Monday, March 31, 2008

"The New Adventures of Old Kayly" or "The TMI Episode of Blahgblahgblahg"

Have you see the show "The New Adventures of Old Christine" yet? It is veddyveddy funny. But, disturbingly, the character seems to be based on a divorced version of me. For example--and this is just one in a series of jillions--tonight I spent all night perimenopausally driving everyone nuts with "I'm soooo hot!! I'm melting! I can barely breathe, I'm so hot!! I'm soaking wet with sweat! Turn the heat down!" Then, "I'm freeeezing! It's so cold!!! I'm shivering! Turn the heat up!" And then we watched the DVRed show at 10 p.m. and DAMN! if the whole show isn't about her perimenopause! Then when I told Nate I think the show's writers are spying on me, he said, "It's always all about you, isn't it?" To which I replied, "Yes, and that's what last week's show was about remember?" (BTW, I even own the bra she wore to comic effect in this week's episode.) This isn't meant to flatter myself. Old Christine is a mess. But the show is pretty effing funny. Nate and I laughed our ayusses off this week and last. It seems to get funnier every week. Check it out. (Mondays ABC 9:30-10)

Perimenopause reminds me: today in Targét, I saw a lady, a normal everyday lady, with a goatee. No 'stache, just the goatee. And, at first, I was, like, "Whoa! EW!" But, then, I actually thought it was pretty cool. She could easily remove it, but she embraces her difference, or quirk, or what some might call flaw. Now, don't get me wrong, I pluck and--will continue to do so--OBSESSIVELY!! (I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome--among my other "frailties"--so hirsuitism goes with the course. For me this has always meant a lot of chin hairs and--pardon the imagery--overgrown shrubbery. These problems seem to be paradoxically [or not, I don't know; maybe I should ask my gyno next Monday] getting better as I get "more and more" perimenopausal.) But I have tremendous respect for this woman, who seemed unconcerned with society's idea of acceptable, beauty-wise. So "YAY! Goatee Lady!! I salute you"

Lastly, I will be watching my brother's taxidermy shop for him during some time in which he will be away. I'll let y'all do with this tidbit as you wish. :-)

Friday, March 28, 2008

Going Out with Friends Long Not Seen

Tonight will be the first night I will see a few old friends since the ECT. I'm nervous. It's like a coming out party or something, and I feel worried that I will not fulfill expectations. Can I show them I'm "happy enough?" Will I piss anyone off with my still occasionally poor memory? Will I get drunk and embarrass myself? (We're going to a brewpub, and lately beer--and just beer, not liquor or wine--gets me pretty high after one or two.) Maybe I'll stick to their home brewed root beer and water.

Some of them I've seen once or twice in the past year because of the "holing up" which took place as the depression deepened. I feel as if I will be on display or something tonight. None of these people know anyone else who has had ECT most likely. I'm the specimen for their collection. These friends are all about the warmest most non-judgemental people you can imagine, but I still worry.

I still regret not seeing some good friends who moved back to Wisconsin while I was "all about Kayly." I feel deep sadness about losing such good and decent friends. I know we can still exchange emails, cards, etc., but it's not the same as New Year's Eve parties, drop-bys, and other various invitations.

My nervousness is extending to what clothes and shoes to wear and how to do my hair and whether or not to put makeup on. These are not concerns I usually have when I see my friends. I've even come up with conversation topics, in case conversation is awkard and lags. Here is the list so far:
  • Obama
  • Obama
  • the PA primary
  • Obama

Yeah, I'm a little one-track-minded lately. Nervous about 4/22, too.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I told you I was old!!!

My baby...MY BABY!!!...SHAVED for the first time tonight!!! SHAVED!!!!!!

It was a family event with Daddy teaching and Mommy sitting and watching and making jokey heart rending wails--much like those above, plus, "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why?!?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!"

Then Daddy fell asleep and the boys and I looked at google images and yahoo images for "teratoma." Ethan has been going around saying, "My teratoma's on fire!" for no reason, so we read about them on wikipedia and then checked out the images as we've all been fascinated with them for a long time. Other than some sad baby pictures--which made even Holden say, "Oh, poor baby!"--fo some reason we found most of it funny. I know, I know, we're sick. Further proof: we've decided to write a pilot for a sitcom about conjoined twins called "That's No Teratoma, That's My Sister!" We think it will be a bigger hit than "Two and a Half Men."

And, in other news, I've started DVR-ing Countdown with Keith Olbermann and Monday he covered Dyngus Day AND the White House Easter egg roll. Hil-fucking-larious.

I'm officially a huge fan of his now. Now I'm off to play "Blowing a Whistle and Hugging the Bunny."

Monday, March 24, 2008

Still Sending Out Resumes

We do not see things as they are.We see things as we are.--Anais Nin
Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.--Franklin D. Roosevelt
The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of
others.--Hasidic Saying
Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.--Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ever tried? Ever failed? No Matter, try again, fail again, Fail better.--Samuel Beckett

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.--Woody Allen
The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes.--Bella Abzug [Or that stupid piece of expensive paper called a degree.--KSN]
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.--Evan Davis

Very frustrating not getting any interviews--well I got that one, but not a second with them.
But yesterday was nice; dinner with the whole family, no arguments or "Eff you"s. I caught myself smiling a lot. Good. New, but good. Then the boys slept in my huge bed with me last night while Nate slept on the couch. I wish we had all fit, but Nate gave up the bed, so I could have my "babies" nearby. Good day. Please just let me get a job. Not retail, not minimum wage, not eight hours on my feet. That would be perfect. Thank you.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Okay, so I said I wouldn't Obamacize here, but:

I love these videos so much:

If those two videos don't inspire you, then I can't help you.
Subscribe to the WeCan08 feed for interesting videos.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Feeling a little blue...

Aaaaannd THAT'S about all of the cheer I can muster today. Feeling like crap with a cold still and found out I didn't get the WITF job I wanted so badly. So not much up for chatting and blathering, but my Obama blog has lots of reading material from other writers.
And if you know of any jobs for unskilled, but intelligent, people in the Harrisburg area, please let me know. And NO, I don't want to work retail or volunteer--I need a paycheck.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

And I quote:

Stole this off of a fellow "Obamaniac's" page, hadn't heard it when the Senator was out there:

"I grew up on Star Trek," Obama said. "I believe in the final frontier."
-Campaigning in Casper, WY on 3/7/08

Thought it was something my geek friends would enjoy as much as I did.

Also on "L Word" the other night there was a running PMS theme gag, and at the end the background music was Alice Cooper's Only Women Bleed, snipped here:

Man's got his woman to take his seed

He's got the power oh She's got the need

She spends her life through pleasing up her man

She feeds him dinner or anything she can

Sure it's a totally bullshit anti-woman song, but it's Alice Cooper and I like it, NYAH!

Lastly, now I have a blog page on the Obama website. Hopefully I can bother you less with my news snippets on this one. No commentary there, just news postings or others' commentaries. (At least that is the plan.)

Breaking Through

Last night I was supposed to take Holden to a campaign meeting at the Plumbers and Pipefitters Local 520 with the hope of seeing Sen. Obama speak, but he did not have time to stop in Harrisburg last night. Disappointing, but hopefully there will be another chance down the road. I want to kindle the spark of interest Holden shows in politics and allow him to particpate in history as well. They switched the meeting to a button-making party at campaign HQ, which didn't interest Holden too much and, honestly, I felt like shit to begin with, so I schlepped Ethan to his soccer practice instead, allowing Nate to not have to run away from work before he was technically able to.

Watching Obama on CNN right now speaking on race. An important and historic speech on race. (Although the distancing himself from his pastor bothers me. I feel Rev. Wright may have made controversial points, but very salient ones.) He makes me so proud to be an American. It's been a long time since I got that feeling from a Democratic candidate. The speech was preceded but much commentary, and I believe it was the first time I ever heard the phrase "black liberation theology" on CNN or even on TV in general.

Meanwhile I still feel like shit. I guess it's a cold or REALLYREALLY bad seasonal allergies. I'm loaded up on Tylenol Cold Multi-Symptom Severe liquid, Afrin 12 hour Sever Congestion nasal spray, Airborne and saline nasal spray because my nose is paradoxically so dry it's bleeding even though it won't stop dripping mucus. Yum!

I'm holed up on the couch for the rest of the day, having run my only errand--Holden' orthodontist appointment--and brewed my pot o'coffee and changed into my comfy sweats.

Back to the speech which is still going on: I love how he refuses to campaign negatively again HC even though he has so many reasons to do so. He says to stop pouncing on so-called racist remarks and start focussing on real issues. I can't help it, though, I will keep pouncing. He can be above it, but I'm not that enlightened yet.

BTW, I just started listening to Audacity of Hope on CD last night. I have enough actual reading going on, plus I like his voice, so this is the first book of CD I've ever done, but it's cool. Three to five minute snippets I can grab here and there are perfect for running errands and sitting at soccer practice. He is so honest and inspiring. Really, it's almost sickening, lol.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Laugh Riot

My sons had Odyssey of the Mind Tournament today. They did really well and were so funny onstage; I was very proud of them. But a funny thing happened offstage today, too. I had told the boys they couldn't do OM again, because every year they sign up and then complain about having to go to half of the practices. So Nate was asking Holden if they had a team at SciTech would he sign up and he said he didn't think so, but that Ethan wasn't allowed to sign up. Nate and Ethan asked why not, and Holden said, "Because Mommy said we weren't allowed." Ethan said, "Maybe she forgot." And Holden said--in a boisterous speaking voice in a crowd of people, "Was that before or AFTER SHE HAD ECT???" I think Nate was a BIT embarrassed, sniggersniggersnortsnort.

One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.--Rita Mae Brown

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this
line.--Oscar Levant [a Capricorn like me--we're always witty geniuses!!]

There is no great genius without some touch of madness.--Seneca

Have YOU donated to Obama yet?

Friday, March 14, 2008

In case you missed these:

Bubba makes comparisons. And just plain odd statements.

Geraldine used to be a hero of mine until I realized she has been an idiot snce at least 1988.
Proof here and here.

And Keith has balls!! (Text at link, video below.)

Dumb Stupid Dumb Dumb Stupid

Well, I went to see the Pogues the other night, and since my friend bought me the ticket for a birthday gift and because it is pretty much her favorite band, I dragged her up front, and we had a great time. I even got her a set-list afterwards for her "belated birthday gift". But the very front at a Pogues show is pretty much a mosh pit. I am a 36 year old woman with physical health issues which cause me to have a lot of pain; what the hell was I thinking??? Two hours of being shoved, tossed and myself throwing elbows and body slams and "pogo-ing" has done me in. The pain in my legs is horrific. Last night the pain in my legs caused my toes to go numb. Today I am taking it easy after having to run errands all day yesterday, so today is a Vicodin day. It is only mildly helping, that is how bad the pain is. Yesterday my ribs hurt quite a bit, too, but that is a lot better today.

List of what hurts:
  1. Everything (seriously--even the palms of my hands!!)

On the plus side I had an amazing time, the show was great and Shane even seemed much healthier than in years past. Although he is still very much an alcoholic. Poor Shane. (By the way, I just noticed Shane's a Capricorn just like me. It's good to know I'm not the only Capricorn in the world who doesn't have her shit together. On the other hand, I'm not a famous rock star either, so he still has that on me... Oh well...)

And a I told Tahnee-the great friend who took me:

I had an amazing time, and you have no idea how much it meant to me to feel like a real live human being having fun once again. I'm eternally grateful to you for the introduction into "fun" and "society" once again.

Hugs and love to Tahnee if she reads this. It was totally worth the down time of recovery--I'm guessing it'll be a week or so.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Quickly Quickly

My mother requested a "Holden's beautiful eyes" picture. Hopefully you can see them okay in this one, but this is the largest I can post the picture:

And now I must hop into the shower to ready myself for a Pogues concert in Baltimore with a bunch of "youngsters." (They're in their 20s, lol!)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

I'm OLD!!!!!

Based on phone calls and information I've received today, I believe Holden is getting into the SciTech magnet school we've been been hoping for. Which is great; YAY! But it made me realize my little boy--who stands about my height, wears his dad's size shoes, has just started listening to the "classic rock" sounds of Nirvana ("Mommy, did you know Kurt Cobain of Nirvana [like I have to have it explained to me, lol!] killed himself five days before I was born?" [Yes, infact I found out on the way to the hospital, and it freaked me out, but that is another story.]) and dresses more stylishly than most rock stars, right down to his beautiful long hair and, by now, trademark fedoras--is NOT a little boy anymore. What with multiple girlfriend wannabes and his playing the field and the fact that his first day of high school will occur in less than six months and all of the other stuff that goes with being almost 14, he is now definetly NOT a "little boy" anymore. WAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Here he is at six months after he was baptized at Nate and my wedding.

And here he is at about 3½ years old being a goof.

And when he was about 5½.

His first day of kindergarten.

In Japan lighting incense at a Shinto shrine shortly before his 13th birthday.

And with some Japanese cherry blossoms.

And in the Badlands listening to his MP3 player in August '07.

And then, as I finish writing this, my best friend, who has an evil sixth sense timing-wise, sent me this article. Uh, thanks, Vick. By the way, I emailed it to both of my sons, told them to consider it homework, quizzed them on it, and poured myself a LARGE glass of red wine.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Spitzer spritzed her which is an old sin, not a brand new one.

First of all, I think the picture with this article looks like a scary eff-ed up version of the new Hermès ads. (Their cute little beanies look pink and orange in that picture.) Second, I can't figure out if I'm committing new sins or not. What do they mean by "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations[?]" What do "drugs" include since they say drugs "weaken the mind and obscure intelligence[?]" Since I gotta tell ya, my Klonopin probably weakens my mind and obscures my intelligence a bit. But I need to take it (as prescribed by my doctor) so my head doesn't explode with anxiety. Knowingly allowing my head to explode would be suicide, right? And isn't that a sin, too? Happily I pollute very little, so that's one sin I don't have to worry too much about. But wait, does anybody not pollute at all?? So we're all sinners? Suuuuuucks... Good thing I don't believe in Catholics. Really, I don't. I think Catholics are one big figment of my bizarre imagination. That's why I enjoy their costumes, jewelry and ritual paraphernalia so much.
I saw my psychiatrist (furthermore to be referred to as PNO) today, and he said how great I seemed to be doing in many ways. We spoke of my trying to find a job and he asked what my degree was in and he expressed surprise (once again, because we had been through this before) that I do not have a degree yet. And then he encouraged the law school plan everyone seems to have for me. He said I seemed like a "do-gooder" and that he meant that in a good way and a law degree would probably be ideal for my being able to do my own kind of good. (Which according to these people enhances my whiteness even further. BTW, folks, I am apparently the whitest person you have ever met. I tallied it up and 85% of that list, so far, applies to my pasty white bourgeois ass. The photo illustrations could even be from my photo collection.)
I got a lot done today, took a little walk and even had a big salad for lunch so I'm feeling quite self-satisfied right now.
I think I'll read my newly arrived Vanity Fair magazine--the cover has me all excited and the kids are keeping themselves busy with homework (Holden) and playing keyboard (Ethan), so I have a bit of free time right now.
Oh, wait! Have you seen this yet?

Sunday, March 09, 2008

a bit more personal this one is

I am having much better days, much more optimism, much more "get get up get up and go go go," much more day light (literally, as I am both waking much earlier and actually opening all of the blinds and letting in the sunshine, both very new for me), much more ability to plan for the future. But I am still having these brief periods where, in a flash-outta-nowhere, blackness hits and I cry. I guess that this is a kind of "withdrawal" to the process of having been depressed for so long, who knows.
I do know that I am actively searching for a job and want to get out there as soon as possible so I can maintain my good hours and "daylight savings-account balance" to keep from slipping back into bad habits that in turn would lead to the old depression. It's a vicious cycle as depression always is. So far nobody has called for an interview. This amps up my anxiety, which leads to either a) an as-aforementioned crying jag or b) a Klonopin and a glass of red wine. (Sure one or the other would do the trick, but together: bliss! Plus the added bonus of everything being astoundingly amusing! Chill with judgyjudgy--this happens about twice a week at most.How much beer do you drink/pot do you smoke/food do you scarf when you feel bored/blue/angry?)
It's been suggested that I volunteer somewhere, a good deed that would be indeed, however...
Confession time: When released from the booby hatch I had the courage to finally come clean with my husband about a shameful secret: Over the past 4-5 years I've run up an astounding credit card debt. My credit rating is still very good (probably better than yours, even) as my payments are always well above the minimum and on time. But my spending was tootoo much. The accounts are closed; the cards are cut; and only one account has a balance to be paid. But, oh! what a balance! So my entire spending allowance is now going towards payments, along with a tidy sum from the household budget.
I've also had to cut out triple-venti-flavored-lattes ($5.09 each), netflix ($16.99 a month), my monthly donations to Feminist Majority ($10) and WXPN ($20), my stack of 5 gossip mags every week (about $15 a week), the stack of monthly magazines from Borders (approx. $50 a month), my couple or five books a month ($30-$75 a month), couple or six CDs a month ($25-$75 a month), various miscellaneous donations every month or so (anywhere from $10 to $75 a month--luckily, as a couple, we still budget for philanthropy every month, so we are not snubbing the needy altogether, just not going into debt for it as I have been stupidly doing), stacks of various perfumes, makeups, shoes, clothes and personal care products I honestly and truly DO NOT need (untold sums of money), massages occasionally (about $65-$80 every other month or every third month), magazine subscriptions ($?), meals out ($?), and lots and lots of wine ($?).
So yes, I need to get paid. And well. (Well, "well" in terms of someone with little or no skills and a not-so-hot work history.) Then I can pay off my debts and maintain a bit of my previous spendthrift ways.
Nate has been amazingly wonderful about my having created this mess and then hid it from him. At his suggestion--and I agreed--the new counsellor I've scheduled with specializes in generalized anxiety disorder and depression and also addiction problems, so I can figure out why I can't control myself when I have a little plastic card in my hand.
So now you all (all one or two of you who read this, and who already know this anyway) know my secret shame and the anxiety I'm causing myself with it until I have a real, live grown-up job.

Ten good reasons to hate Hilary

  1. Clinton Aide Compares Obama to Ken Starr

  2. "Senator Clinton is not even willing to acknowledge that she voted for war. She says she voted for diplomacy despite the title that said 'Authorisation to use US armed forces in Iraq'."--Obama

  3. Nobel winner: Hillary Clinton’s ‘silly’ Irish peace claims/Clinton's experience claim under scrutiny

  4. Clinton camp never briefed Ottawa, official says

  5. "We must stay the course” in both Iraq and Afghanistan, and asked for more troops to finish the job. “We have to exert all of our efforts militarily, but the outcome (in Iraq) is not assured”
    November 29, 2003 Hilary visits the troops In Iraq and Afghanistan

  6. Clinton’s Efforts on Ethanol Overlap Her Husband’s Interests

  7. Hillary flip-flop on torture inspired after meeting generals

  8. Kenyan Elder says Obama dress cultutral, not religious (Note the blogger says he got the pics from Clinton who was apparently offended by--or thought we should or would be--Muslim garb.)

  9. She's a cunt. (And this is not anti-feminist of me, so stuff it. McCain is a dick and an asshole, does this mean I hate men and lower g.i. processes?)

To quote Gail Collins: While Barack Obama may understand the audacity of hope, only Hillary Clinton really gets the audacity of audacity.

McCain is an asshole. But you knew that, right?

3 a.m. was a long time ago.

Holy crap, Batman! Good stuff! The "Hilary 3 a.m. girl" SUPPORTS OBAMA!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Guest "Random List"

This is one of my favorite joke pieces from Esquire. It hangs on the side of my fridge in order to humble the gifted masses of my household. (It doesn't humble us too much, but it does make me laugh!)

10 Things You Don't Know About the 99th Percentile
Finally, the secrets of smart people revealed!
By Bob Scheffler

  1. It's estimated that we use 11 percent more brainpower than average people, but we're thinking of bumping the figure up to 13 or 14 percent. (Who's going to know different -- you? Please.)
  2. It turns out ontogeny doesn't recapitulate phylogeny, but we really had you going there for a while.
  3. We pretty much know what you're going to say before you do. Surprisingly, this time-saver always leads to punching.
  4. You'd be shocked to find out what that little round sink at the dentist's is connected to.
  5. By the time you finish reading this sentence, we'll have come up with six reasons why you shouldn't have.
  6. When our brains are fatigued, we engage in a period of regeneration, often producing delightful musical soundscapes with our nasal cavities.
  7. For a brief time in the sixties, pi was not only variable but spent two weeks touring with Iron Butterfly.
  8. Genius sex is like regular sex, only with footnotes.
  9. The Kelvin temperature scale was invented as a joke.
  10. Pluto deserved it, but not for the reasons everyone was told.

Friday, March 07, 2008

Random list: "Romantic Husband"

Ten Random Ways My Husband Shows His Love for Me
  1. He cooks dinner.
  2. He lets me pause the DVR every ten seconds to comment with nary a complaint from him.
  3. He bought me a made-for-arthritics jar opener as a Christmas stocking stuffer so I can maintain bottle & jar independence.
  4. He buys fresh, whole pineapples at Costco, then peels, cores and slices them and puts them in the fridge for snacking.
  5. He bought me cheap chocolate covered cherries and expensive designer perfume for my "in-the-booby-hatch" Valentine's Day gift.
  6. He buys me comfortable and warm PJs for Christmas rather than impractical sexy PJs.
  7. He sleeps on the couch if his snoring is keeping me up.
  8. He recognizes that I am in physical and mental pain and acknowledges they are difficult for me.
  9. He laughs at my jokes.
  10. He knows my quirks by heart. (I have a favorite fork, for example, and he always makes sure I get that fork without my ever having to mention it.)

What a feeling...

What a feeling, what a feeling
The laughter that was dead is coming
What a feeling, what a feeling
The laughter that was dead is coming
--Heather Nova
It really is.

Perfumed & Random

This morning when I got ready to take Holden to the orthodontist I spritzed myself with Tom Ford's Black Orchid. Then a few minutes ago I thought, "What the heck?" And spritzed myself again, but this time with Fresh Cannabis Santal. The combination is kind of intoxicating and sexy.
I submitted a resume to the local public radio station for a receptionist position they have open. Wish me luck.
I always say how much I don't like Radiohead, which is sacrilege for someone my age, but the truth is there are many Radiohead songs I enjoy quite a lot. My theme song all day today has been "Everything In Its Right Place." I can't stop singing it.
I added a few elements to the sidebar. Check it out----------->

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

So things progress as such:

I ended up doing five ECT treatments. Two inpatient and three out. My psychiatrist--Dr. Tan--was a great man. Funny, warm, respectful. Everything you could want from the dude about to put you into a minute-long seizure. He actually seemed to like me and let me go home on the Friday after I checked in, rather than the next Monday as originally planned. Which was just what I had hoped for, as nothing freaks me out more than being locked in somewhere, especially with a bunch of nut jobs!
So here is how the treatment goes:
  1. You don't eat or drink after midnight the night before.
  2. You pee when you wake up.
  3. You have an i.v. put in--easy for some, tough for those with no veins, like me.
  4. You put on a hospital gown and booties and no undies. Yes, you may piss yourself.
  5. They wheel you into the o.r.
  6. The put the oxygen monitor on your finger, the b.p. cuff on your arm and another b.p. cuff on your ankle. (This cuff will be tightened during the whole procedure to prevent the paralyzing anesthetic from reaching your toes so they will twitch to prove to the docs that you are, indeed, convulsing.)
  7. The put electrical leads (EEG?? I think...) on various parts of your body to make sure your heart works well during the whole thing.
  8. They put the "zapper" electrical leads on your head. I vaguely recall that these went on your forehead and behind your ear. On this I could be mistaken; my memory is hazy on some things... I do know I ended up going with bilateral ECT rather than unilateral after a thorough discussion with Dr. Tan whose opinion I thoroughly respected and trusted. We talked about "titrated" doses, which I said was the only way I would do bilateral, and he understood.
  9. They put the oxygen/sleeping gas mask over your face and inject the paralyzing anesthetic into your i.v. The gas smelled annoying to me and the injection burned me somewhat. I think I fell asleep all five times going, "Oh, it burns, it burns.... it.... buuuuurrrrrr...... uuuuuhhhhhhhh......."
  10. Presumably I was then paralyzed and "zapped." The convulsion lasts somewhere around a half a minute or so. I think it's 15-60 seconds.
  11. I wake up in the recovery room with very sweet nurses monitoring my vitals. For some reason I displayed a fever after every treatment, which is not a normal aftereffect. My guess is that it has something to do with my inflammatory illness.
  12. They let me get dressed and go home.
  13. I was not allowed to drive on treatment days.

So did it work?

Well, I feel what I can only keep calling "normal." I am still having some depression and some anxiety. But I feel like these are acceptable and manageable levels of these problems and somewhat situational.

"Normal" for me: The other day I awoke before 9 a.m. (rather than 3 p.m.), took a shower, exfoliated, moisturized, did a full face cleaning routine, did my hair, got dressed in "real" clothes (not sweats or PJ's), put on jewelry (!!!) and lipstick (!!!!) and went out to do about a half a dozen errands. The whole time I kept thinking, "This is weird. This is really weird." But I later realized that, no, it was actually really really normal. Which, for me, was weird.

I have been have some cognitive and memory problems, but they are fading steadily, although they still bother me immensely. More, I am quite sure, than they might bother the average person. If you know me, then you know that my high intelligence and scarily impeccable memory are very important traits of which I am proud and which I depend upon.

The cognitive problems are things like not being able to think of a word or phrase, not being able to think of what the next thing I should do would be while following my daily routine--which I guess are actually memory problems as well. My other memory problems are more straightforward: I don't remember some stuff that happened in the weeks and months leading up to ECT and in the period afterwards. When--if--it comes back to me I become very frustrated in the realization that I forgot it to begin with.

I think I'll end here for now. More will follow as I know many of my friends and family want to know more about the whole shebang.

"About suffering they were never wrong, The Old Masters: how well they understood Its human position; how well it takes place While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;"

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