Spitzer spritzed her which is an old sin, not a brand new one.

First of all, I think the picture with this article looks like a scary eff-ed up version of the new Hermès ads. (Their cute little beanies look pink and orange in that picture.) Second, I can't figure out if I'm committing new sins or not. What do they mean by "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations[?]" What do "drugs" include since they say drugs "weaken the mind and obscure intelligence[?]" Since I gotta tell ya, my Klonopin probably weakens my mind and obscures my intelligence a bit. But I need to take it (as prescribed by my doctor) so my head doesn't explode with anxiety. Knowingly allowing my head to explode would be suicide, right? And isn't that a sin, too? Happily I pollute very little, so that's one sin I don't have to worry too much about. But wait, does anybody not pollute at all?? So we're all sinners? Suuuuuucks... Good thing I don't believe in Catholics. Really, I don't. I think Catholics are one big figment of my bizarre imagination. That's why I enjoy their costumes, jewelry and ritual paraphernalia so much.
I saw my psychiatrist (furthermore to be referred to as PNO) today, and he said how great I seemed to be doing in many ways. We spoke of my trying to find a job and he asked what my degree was in and he expressed surprise (once again, because we had been through this before) that I do not have a degree yet. And then he encouraged the law school plan everyone seems to have for me. He said I seemed like a "do-gooder" and that he meant that in a good way and a law degree would probably be ideal for my being able to do my own kind of good. (Which according to these people enhances my whiteness even further. BTW, folks, I am apparently the whitest person you have ever met. I tallied it up and 85% of that list, so far, applies to my pasty white bourgeois ass. The photo illustrations could even be from my photo collection.)
I got a lot done today, took a little walk and even had a big salad for lunch so I'm feeling quite self-satisfied right now.
I think I'll read my newly arrived Vanity Fair magazine--the cover has me all excited and the kids are keeping themselves busy with homework (Holden) and playing keyboard (Ethan), so I have a bit of free time right now.
Oh, wait! Have you seen this yet?

Today's "news"

The latest on PNO and PNT: I called PNT’s office to confirm they received the records which PNO called to let me know he faxed. (He faxed them before leaving for a NYC medical conference for two weeks and then checked when he came home, only to see that the transmission of the fax went awry, so he re-faxed them for me.) PNT’s office said, “No, we didn’t get them, still waiting.” ARGH! I called PNO’s voicemail in tears (because the waiting is killing me) to ask that he re-re-send them. Then I get a phone call from the medical records office at PNT: Whoops! We got them and PNT already has them. SO sorry! So I had to call PNO’s voicemail back and say: Whoops! Never mind my last, barely comprehensible message. They did get them. So now I’m waiting for PNT to make a final decision and call me back.

Some new books on my wishlist (a mess of compulsive collecting and other neuroses):

• A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man
• These board books by Lisa Brown—I cannot wait ‘til a certain friend has a baby to buy them for
• These board books by Michelle Sinclair Coleman
• These board books by Amy Wilson Sanger
• Any of these “reference” books for kids
• Any of the Pirates books by Gideon Defoe

Yes, these are mostly kids’ books, but I like to collect kids’ books which I find interesting. I especially like books illustrated by Lisbeth Zwerger.

And finally, for today, last night I finished Never Enough by Joe McGinniss. Good true crime about a crazy, hubby murdering rich, white lady in Hong Kong. I give it a B or B+ for the genre.

I’m still waiting for PNO to send my records to PNTs (psychiatrist number two) office. I don’t know if he already sent them and PNTs office lost them or if he still hasn’t sent them. Despite repeated messages to PNO, he still has not called me back. Nothing can happen until he does this. I’m in limbo.

Even though my reading is not up to par, I am still reading. These are the books I’ve read since sometime after Christmas:

• Foreskin’s Lament by Shalom Auslander
• Identical Strangers by Elyse Schein and Paula Bernstein
• House of Happy Endings by Leslies Garis
• Away by Amy Bloom
• Best New American Voices 2008 ed. By Richard Bausch
• Missing Angel Juan by Francesca Lia Block
• Necklace of Kisses by Francesca Lia Block
• Ben in the World by Doris Lessing
• Electroboy by Andy Behrman
• Undercurrents by Martha Manning
• Shock by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye
• The Road by Cormac McCarthy

If you enjoy(ed) Foreskin’s Lament, then I also suggest these books:

• Beware of God (Stories) by Shalom Auslander
• The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible by A.J. Jacobs

I collect quotes in my Molekine notebook; below are some from the past month or so. (I like the squared, rather than ruled notebooks--I even use one for my actual journal--and also carry a small notebooks for "notes" in addition to my red weekly calendar/notebook.)

From the movie Harvey:

• Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
• Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
• The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought 'em out here to get that stuff, and I've drove 'em home after they had it. It changes them... On the way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me; sometimes we stop and watch the sunsets, and look at the birds flyin'. Sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunsets when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, oh oh...
  Veta Louise Simmons: "Afterwards, oh oh"? What do you mean, "afterwards, oh oh"?
  The Taxi Driver: They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersections. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. and we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being. And you know what stinkers they are!

From the book Neckalce of Kisses:

• "Just like any woman...We weave our stories out of our bodies. Some of us through our children, or our art; some do it just by living. It's all the same."--Lacey
• Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes they catch you.

From the book The Road:

• Where you've nothing else construct ceremonies out of the air and breathe upon them.

Nine months later...

Nine months later...
No I didn't have a baby, I'm just horrible at journal keeping of any sort.
So much has happened, and yet not much of anything. I'm still not working. I'm now not seeing my friends much or leaving my house much. I've considered filing for disability but cannot bring myself to actually do it.
Now I'm considering ECT.
I had a second opinion doctor visit today with a well-respected EC doctor this morning. He says I'm a good candidate, but my original psychiatrist hasn't sent my records yet, even though he has had a month and various reminders to do so. So he's hlding me back. After this is over I will probably just switch to this new psychiatris, who I had seen years ago for a few med checks. He's more organized and he is in my insurance network, so I don't have to self-submit my receipts if I see him.

Some things about ECT you may not know:

1. They give you muscle relaxants, general anesthesia and oxygen to prevent the bone-breaking and painfully awake seizures depicted in inaccurate movies and reduce memory loss .
2. non-dominant unilateral ECT is now the norm as opposed to even 10 years ago when bilateral was still prevalent; this kind reduces much of the memory loss and personality changing of yore.
3. Only 1/3-1/2 the amount of electricity is used in ECT as in a heart defibrillator.
4. Only about 1/10 the amount of electricity is used now versus '40s-'70s version.
5. ECT is as common as hysterectomy and twice as common as knee replacement.
6. It is often the best depression treatment available to the elderly who cannot tolerate, take or respond to drugs and also has the highest success rate in the elderly.
7. It is 80% effective in people with treatment resistant depression versus the 50-60% efficacy of medication for depression for the whole population of people with depression.
8. It's the safest treatment for pregnant women w/depression.
9. It has almost no physical side affects other than some soreness and stiffness the day of the treatment and maybe some nausea for a few hours afterwards if you have that reaction to general anesthesia--unlike every psych medication.
10. Interestingly, most of the anti-ECT organizations are entirely funded by the "Church of Scientology" who also don't believe in psychiatric treatment of any kind.
11. The "ECT industry" makes a profit of about $100,000 a year versus the $35 billion the pharmaceutical companies make and doesn't romance doctor's with pens, meals, gifts and trips to get them to sell their product.
12. ECT begins to have an effect with the first treatment as opposed the months you can spend trialing one failed drug only to move onto the next.
13. The waveform of the current, amount of electricity and duration are adjusted to each individual according to a complicated formula so it is totally personalized to your body and geared to the least amount of memory problems.
14. Most short term memory problems clear up within about 6 weeks; long term memory problems are extremely rare.

These things are all reassuring to me as are the vibrant, intelligent and sane people whose books and articles I have read who went through ECT. I have been depressed since I was a child, have never gained more than just a tenuous foothold on it with medication and for the past 2 1/2 years I haven't even had that. I'm convinced this will save my life. I'm willing to trade the ability to remember my husband's bosses name or directions to the Dairy Queen for the possibility of enjoying my life for once in my life. I'm willing to trade even slightly more important memories for happiness or some semblance of it, as I already have for depression anyway. Depression has stripped away a lot of my long term memories, my short term memory abilities and my concentration skills---and the concentration skills I'll most likely get back fully if ECT works for me. Reading a book is so difficult for me the past few years, whereas I used to rip through up to 8 books a week before. I've been stripped of even that pleasure. I hate to admit this, but I haven't wanted or had sex in longer than I can remember--maybe 2 years? I want to want my husband again--even twice a year (his birthday and our anniversary,lol) would make me so happy. Even if I wanted to have sex right now, meds have reduced my lubrication and made me anorgasmic.

So now we wait for psychiatrist number one (PNO) to get his act together...