I was trying to remember where I had heard a quote something like my title when, for no particular reason, I remembered one of the quotes I had to memorize for Mr. Lavelle's notoriously difficult AP English final in high school. In 1990. (Looking back, I realize now that the final was actually really easy. A gift to us, the students he had made think all year long, but we all liked the mythology behind "the hardest final ever" which never changed a single freakin' question from year to year.) Mr. Lavelle was my favorite teacher ever, so in his honor:
Not tho' the soldier knew Someone had blunder'd: Their's not to make reply, Their's not to reason why, Their's but to do and die: [Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade"; Googled only for correct punctuation]
Anywho, that totally has nothing to do with this post, but it's weird what you can suddenly remember 20 years and some months later when you honestly can't recall what you ate today.
So, "Forward, the Light Brigade! Charge for the guns!"
It suddenly occurred to me today that when I have my larproscopy on January 12th, it's possible that rather than finding nothing and leaving me to wonder what to do with this pain and other "stuff," or finding endometriosis and/or adhesions which may cause me to lose my uterus, that a third possibility is that I might lose it all. Or most of it. It honestly hasn't popped into my thoughts the whole time I've been agonizing over whether or not to have my uterus removed if they find nothing when they open me up. (The doctor said that sometimes some people find relief from pelvic pain of unknown etiology by having a hysterectomy. I won't be doing that as there are too many other things that might go wrong: cystocele, hernia, worsening of my IBS, greater surgery aggravating my autoimmune illness/inflammatory response, vaginal, vaginal vault, urethral, small intestine or rectal prolapse and, ironically, pelvic pain.)
This lead to a rather intense anxiety attack with much sobbing. The thought of taking hormones for the rest of my life, when I am not yet 40 and my family has a life expectancy of around 80 or 90 years, usually, terrifies me. I like the way I look, flaws and all, but I do not want to gain more weight, I don't need any drier or pimplier skin and I am not fond of synthetic hormones to begin with. (But the nearest bio-identical doctor is near Philly. Too far for me to travel for a doctor's appointment; I grumble over traveling to Hershey, for crap's sake!)
All of this on top of the mystical proclamation that recovery will take four to seven days to four to six weeks depending on what they have to do, leading me to wonder how employed people plan for this shit.
So, I worry, but that is nothing new. It's my job to worry.
Passage from The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath The mirror over my bureau seemed slightly warped and much too silver. The face in it looked like the reflection in a ball of dentist’s mercury. I thought of crawling in between the bed sheets and trying to sleep, but that appealed to me about as much as stuffing a dirty, scrawled-over letter into a fresh, clean envelope. I decided to take a hot bath.
There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them. Whenever I’m sad I’m going to die, or so nervous I can’t sleep, or in love with somebody I won’t be seeing for a week, I slump down just so far and then I say: “I’ll go take a hot bath.”
I meditate in the bath. The water needs to be very hot, so hot you can barely stand putting your foot in it. Then you lower yourself, inch by inch, till the water’s up to your neck.
I remember the ceiling over every bathtub I’ve stretched out in. I remember the texture of the ceilings and the cracks and the colors and the damp spots and the light fixtures. I remember the tubs, too: the antique griffin-legged tubs, and the modern coffin-shaped tubs, and the fancy pink marble tubs overlooking indoor lily ponds, and I remember the shapes and sizes of the water taps and the different sorts of soap holders.
I never feel so much myself as when I’m in a hot bath.
I lay in that tub on the seventeenth floor of this hotel for-women-only, high up over the jazz and push of New York, for near onto an hour, and I felt myself growing pure again. I don’t believe in baptism or the waters of Jordan or anything like that, but I guess I feel about a hot bath the way those religious people feel about holy water.
I said to myself: “Doreen is dissolving, Lenny Shepherd is dissolving, Frankie is dissolving, New York is dissolving, they are all dissolving away and none of them matter any more. I don’t know them, I have never known them and I am very pure. All that liquor and those sticky kisses I saw and the dirt that settled on my skin on the way back is turning into something pure.”
The longer I lay there in the clear hot water the purer I felt, and when I stepped out at last and wrapped myself in one of the big, soft white hotel bath towels I felt pure and sweet as a new baby.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you can read that passage and not get me, then you probably never will.--Kayly
"Because we know, instinctively, as a people, that if we are to get through the darkness and back into the light, we have to work together. And the truth is there will always be darkness, and sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel isn't the promised land. Sometimes, it's just New Jersey."--Jon Stewart
Obama just said that although he will maintain the Cuban embargo, he will open travel so Cuban-Americans can visit their relatives. That is very good news to hear.
Random quotes to ponder:
He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetuate it.-Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr
The soft-minded man always fears change. He feels security in the status quo, and he has an almost morbid fear of the new. For him, the greatest pain is the pain of a new idea.-ibid
One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws, but conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.-ibid
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly.-ibid
Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and consciencious stupidity.-ibid
Liberty cannot be preserved without a general knowledge among the people.-John Adams
Politics should be the part-time profession of every citizen who would protect the rights and privileges of free people and who would preserve what is good and fruitful in our national heritage.-Dwight Eisenhower
It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government.-Thomas Paine
The most important political office is that of the private citizen.-Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis
We, the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts--not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow men who pervert the Constitution.-Abraham Lincoln
It is not the function of our Government to keep the citizen from falling into error; it is the function of the citizen to keep the Government from falling into error.-Supreme Court Justice Robert H. Jackson
The true danger is when liberty is nibbled away, for expedients, and by parts ... the only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.-Edmund Burke
The cause of liberty becomes a mockery if the price to be paid is the wholesale destruction of those who are to enjoy liberty.-Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi
Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build and nobody wants to do maintenance.-Kurt Vonnegut
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of. -Douglas Adams
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.-Mahatma Gandhi
The Roots of Violence: Wealth without work, Pleasure without conscience, Knowledge without character, Commerce without morality, Science without humanity, Worship without sacrifice, Politics without principles.-Mahatma Gandhi
You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.-Mahatma Gandhi
I missed, yet again, another doctor's appointment. I think I must be willfully forgetting the damn things. I see so many doctors for so many things over the course of a year, that it is very tiresome. Dermatologist(2X/year), Immunologist (2X/year), Psychiatrist(1X/month), Counsellor(1X/month), Rheumatologist (2X/year), Internist(2X/year), Dentist(2X/year--plus three this past year for broken teeth/fillings), Gynecologist (1X/year), Opthamologist (1X/year for field of vision tests due to a medication I take). That's 38 appointments without even counting if I actually "get sick" (it's all relative) or have some other emergency. Last year, obviously, was much more what with the depression and need for weekly counselling, hospitalization pre-appointments, inpatient and outpatient ECT, etc. (That looks funny: ECT, etc.) I've rescheduled. Wish me luck in remembering.
In other news, Phil Spector is on one of the Obama discussion lists I am on. Weird, huh? I've been thinking of asking when his next trial is, but nixed it. I'll google it.
On another list (Feminists for Obama, which is a very active list which is making name for itself in various ways) is the wonderful author (and TV writer, comedian, pundit of sorts, etc., along with very nice person) Cathryn Michon AKA Grrlgenius.
At Western Kentucky University in Bowling Green, Michele Glorioso, a graduate student in women's studies who started the Feminists for Obama group on the campaign Web site my.barackobama.com, agrees. "I tell people that if Bill Clinton was the first black president, then maybe Barack Obama will be the first woman president."
I also wanted to highlight the quote from a so-called boomer "feminist" who says the most unfeminist thing she could have said.
White believes it will be up to Obama, between now and the Democratic Convention, to be properly solicitous in his relationship with Sen. Clinton and the millions of women who see themselves in her. "It's diamonds, candy and flowers time," she said.
Yeah, and high heels and makeup and chick flick dates and lots and lots of shopping and gossip. Whatever.
Don't miss Recount on HBO, Sunday, May 25 at 9 p.m. Looks like rollicking good fun and a fairly accurate replay of the debacle. You might learn something you didn't already know. (Don't forget the plural of chad is chad. Seriously.)
Which reminds me of this article. As someone who had voted in a primary for the first time in years due to my being disenfranchised as a former registered Green, I truly appreciated this brief reminder to the world.
And I don't normally watch commercials, but I had seen the first ETrade commercial featuring the talking baby, but not this second one made for the Super Bowl, apparently.
By CLIFFORD KRAUSS Cities with long-established public transit systems and areas with a strong driving culture are both reporting increases in ridership.
His full quote was, "Yea for higher gas prices. I've always said it's the only thing that will change the behavior of the masses...the stupid, stupid masses. Screw the gas tax holiday they should look at increasing it and plowing that money into public transporation. "
But he's not a socialist like me. Nooooooooooo, he's a Republican registered Democratic for the first time so he can vote for Obama. Okay honey, whatever you say. I love you dear!!
We do not see things as they are.We see things as we are.--Anais Nin Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.--Franklin D. Roosevelt The man who has confidence in himself gains the confidence of others.--Hasidic Saying Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.--Ralph Waldo Emerson Ever tried? Ever failed? No Matter, try again, fail again, Fail better.--Samuel Beckett
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.--Woody Allen The test for whether or not you can hold a job should not be the arrangement of your chromosomes.--Bella Abzug [Or that stupid piece of expensive paper called a degree.--KSN] Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in.--Evan Davis
Very frustrating not getting any interviews--well I got that one, but not a second with them. But yesterday was nice; dinner with the whole family, no arguments or "Eff you"s. I caught myself smiling a lot. Good. New, but good. Then the boys slept in my huge bed with me last night while Nate slept on the couch. I wish we had all fit, but Nate gave up the bed, so I could have my "babies" nearby. Good day. Please just let me get a job. Not retail, not minimum wage, not eight hours on my feet. That would be perfect. Thank you.
Stole this off of a fellow "Obamaniac's" page, hadn't heard it when the Senator was out there:
"I grew up on Star Trek," Obama said. "I believe in the final frontier." -Campaigning in Casper, WY on 3/7/08
Thought it was something my geek friends would enjoy as much as I did.
Also on "L Word" the other night there was a running PMS theme gag, and at the end the background music was Alice Cooper's Only Women Bleed, snipped here:
Man's got his woman to take his seed
He's got the power oh She's got the need
She spends her life through pleasing up her man
She feeds him dinner or anything she can
Sure it's a totally bullshit anti-woman song, but it's Alice Cooper and I like it, NYAH!
Lastly, now I have a blog page on the Obama website. Hopefully I can bother you less with my news snippets on this one. No commentary there, just news postings or others' commentaries. (At least that is the plan.)
My sons had Odyssey of the Mind Tournament today. They did really well and were so funny onstage; I was very proud of them. But a funny thing happened offstage today, too. I had told the boys they couldn't do OM again, because every year they sign up and then complain about having to go to half of the practices. So Nate was asking Holden if they had a team at SciTech would he sign up and he said he didn't think so, but that Ethan wasn't allowed to sign up. Nate and Ethan asked why not, and Holden said, "Because Mommy said we weren't allowed." Ethan said, "Maybe she forgot." And Holden said--in a boisterous speaking voice in a crowd of people, "Was that before or AFTER SHE HAD ECT???" I think Nate was a BIT embarrassed, sniggersniggersnortsnort.
One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.--Rita Mae Brown
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.--Krishnamurti
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.--Oscar Levant [a Capricorn like me--we're always witty geniuses!!]
There is no great genius without some touch of madness.--Seneca
First of all, I think the picture with this article looks like a scary eff-ed up version of the new Hermès ads. (Their cute little beanies look pink and orange in that picture.) Second, I can't figure out if I'm committing new sins or not. What do they mean by "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations[?]" What do "drugs" include since they say drugs "weaken the mind and obscure intelligence[?]" Since I gotta tell ya, my Klonopin probably weakens my mind and obscures my intelligence a bit. But I need to take it (as prescribed by my doctor) so my head doesn't explode with anxiety. Knowingly allowing my head to explode would be suicide, right? And isn't that a sin, too? Happily I pollute very little, so that's one sin I don't have to worry too much about. But wait, does anybody not pollute at all?? So we're all sinners? Suuuuuucks... Good thing I don't believe in Catholics. Really, I don't. I think Catholics are one big figment of my bizarre imagination. That's why I enjoy their costumes, jewelry and ritual paraphernalia so much. I saw my psychiatrist (furthermore to be referred to as PNO) today, and he said how great I seemed to be doing in many ways. We spoke of my trying to find a job and he asked what my degree was in and he expressed surprise (once again, because we had been through this before) that I do not have a degree yet. And then he encouraged the law school plan everyone seems to have for me. He said I seemed like a "do-gooder" and that he meant that in a good way and a law degree would probably be ideal for my being able to do my own kind of good. (Which according to these people enhances my whiteness even further. BTW, folks, I am apparently the whitest person you have ever met. I tallied it up and 85% of that list, so far, applies to my pasty white bourgeois ass. The photo illustrations could even be from my photo collection.) I got a lot done today, took a little walk and even had a big salad for lunch so I'm feeling quite self-satisfied right now. I think I'll read my newly arrived Vanity Fair magazine--the cover has me all excited and the kids are keeping themselves busy with homework (Holden) and playing keyboard (Ethan), so I have a bit of free time right now. Oh, wait! Have you seen this yet?
Black Eyed Dog by Nick Drake A black eyed dog he called at my door The black eyed dog he called for more A black eyed dog he knew my name A black eyed dog he knew my name A black eyed dog A black eyed dog. I'm growing old and I wanna go home I'm growiing old and I don't wanna know I'm growing old and I wanna go home. A black eyed dog he called at my door A black eyed dog he called for more.
Still no word from PNTs office. He had said we could start as early as this week, but that is obviously out of the question. Next week would be great, but considering it is Thursday, it looks unlikely to be the beginning of the week, if at all. The whole thing of having to pass it through my insurance and taking me off of my mood stabilizer--Lamictal, which is also an anti-convulsant--seems like it would probably take a week by itself. I'll also have to change my Klonopin for a shorter acting antianxiolytic for some reason. I hope I can go back on both and not some new meds after the treatments, because these two are definitely working well for my mixed states and anxiety. Just need an antidepressant that works after the treatments... Hope we figure it out someday.
The boys are spending the night at a friend's house tomorrow night and Nate wanted to know if I wanted to go out, but honestly, I don't know if I can drag myself to take a shower and wash my hair and then go do something after that. It tires me to do it and it even tires me to think of it.
Falling Out Fashionby Karen Yampolsky (dumb "chick lit" book about behind the scenes at the now-defunct fluffy feminist mag I loved: Jane; I couldn't find it at the library)
So far it's all right for popular fiction. A little light reading after all of the ECT reading and true crime sadness.
Monday, February 04, 2008
I’m still waiting for PNO to send my records to PNTs (psychiatrist number two) office. I don’t know if he already sent them and PNTs office lost them or if he still hasn’t sent them. Despite repeated messages to PNO, he still has not called me back. Nothing can happen until he does this. I’m in limbo.
Even though my reading is not up to par, I am still reading. These are the books I’ve read since sometime after Christmas:
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought 'em out here to get that stuff, and I've drove 'em home after they had it. It changes them... On the way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me; sometimes we stop and watch the sunsets, and look at the birds flyin'. Sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunsets when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, oh oh... Veta Louise Simmons: "Afterwards, oh oh"? What do you mean, "afterwards, oh oh"? The Taxi Driver: They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersections. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. and we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being. And you know what stinkers they are!
From the book Neckalce of Kisses:
"Just like any woman...We weave our stories out of our bodies. Some of us through our children, or our art; some do it just by living. It's all the same."--Lacey
Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes they catch you.
From the book The Road:
Where you've nothing else construct ceremonies out of the air and breathe upon them.
