Comment Gone Post

I just finished leaving a comment on a post by The Bloggess, and I thought that it actually might make a good post in, and of, itself. So here ya go:
I'm so out about my mental illness, people get sick of hearing about it. I do periodic posts about it, and my last was, as someone else had done, in regard to the shooter in Tuscon.
I've suffered from chronic major depression and chronic anxiety disorder for as long I remember, literally. I didn't get help until after my oldest son was born in 1994. They told me I had PPD. I didn't. I was just scared to keep going the way I had been since I now had a human being depending on me.
My worst episodes of depression have happened since I've had my children. The kind of episodes that are so black and so long that I seriously consider suicide, but I never act on it because I cannot do that to my children and I know how to get help now. Even though it is motherfucking, god-damned hard to get that help sometimes. Lack of insurance or time or fucked up policies when we did have insurance all were obstacles at times.
I've been on various drug regimens for almost 17 years, now. Currently I take an SNRI, an anxiolytic and a mood stabilizer. There is some disagreement between various of my doctors whether I have bipolar II or the chronic major depression *and* chronic anxiety combo platter, but they all agreed that either way, adding a mood stabilizer would help and it has.
And you wanna talk stigma? In February of 2008 and again in February 2010 I had a round of ECT. Five treatments each time. Feel free to check the tag "ECT" on my blog for an explanation of the process and dispelling popular myths about it. [Please read from the oldest post at the bottom to the latest at the top for continuity.] It has been a lifesaver for myself and my family.
I decided to do it after a very long depression did not improve. In fact, it got much worse and cycled up more panic attacks as well. I did a lot of research, chose to do the ECT, did it and was amazed that nobody ever mentioned it to me before. I felt wonderful and everyone kept telling how normal I was, which may have been a retroactive insult; I'm not sure...
The second round came after a steady two month decline back into the hole and I decided not to let it get nearly as bad as it had been the last time. I did it again and was glad, again.
Within weeks of the second round, I started one of the worst years (situationally) of my adult life. An old friend abruptly died; my best friend lost her father to cancer; I lost my grandfather (the man who was my father figure growing up) quite unexpectedly to multiple cancers that apparently had been eating him alive for some time; I put my dog to sleep after raising him from an eight-week-old rescue mutt to a 15-year-old family member alongside my sons while I was a stay-at-home mother; I was laid off from the study for which I had been working; I had flairs galore of my autoimmune illness; I've seen my children through some tough times this year; I had some female plumbing issues which I thought would leave me sterile; and I'm sure I'm missing some other things...
But you know what? I was able to survive it and come out with hope in my eyes because I started out from a point of virtual mental health. So ECT has saved my life twice, now. So I talk about it. A lot. It makes people uncomfortable, sometimes, but I think that's okay, because we need to chip away at all of the stigmas of mental illness and it's treatments.
I got this tattoo:to commemorate the ECT the first time. And when people ask me what it means, I tell them--even strangers--all about it.

Arizona

I'm still not ready to have a long discussion about the shootings in Arizona, but last night I wept for the all of the people affected by the tragedy in Arizona. All of them. Even the shooter. My belief (formed from the facts available so far) is that the shooter has severe mental illness. Everyone around him saw it. People were scared of what the illness had done to him. But nobody tried to help him. When one is that ill, it is almost impossible to get the needed help. Hell, it's almost impossible when one's mental illness isn't anywhere near that severe and the shooter was so ill that he didn't even know he was ill, so how was he supposed to do it without help?
This country treats mental illness as a weakness instead of an illness. Until we start recognizing it as an illness and stop stigmatizing those with the illness, we'll always have many people wandering the streets who are on the edge of this kind of breakdown. Had somebody reported their worries to a mental health hotline, impressed on his family the need to seek help, told the police that they believed he was a danger to himself or others, maybe 8 January would have been a normal day in Tuscon.
Here are some phone numbers for anyone who needs help or knows of someone who needs help.

Mental Health Hotline Numbers and Referral Resources

It's eight pages, so click through until you find what seems to be the most appropriate number.

It's my job to worry.

I was trying to remember where I had heard a quote something like my title when, for no particular reason, I remembered one of the quotes I had to memorize for Mr. Lavelle's notoriously difficult AP English final in high school. In 1990. (Looking back, I realize now that the final was actually really easy. A gift to us, the students he had made think all year long, but we all liked the mythology behind "the hardest final ever" which never changed a single freakin' question from year to year.) Mr. Lavelle was my favorite teacher ever, so in his honor:

Not tho' the soldier knew
Someone had blunder'd:
Their's not to make reply,
Their's not to reason why,
Their's but to do and die:
[Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade"; Googled only for correct punctuation]

Anywho, that totally has nothing to do with this post, but it's weird what you can suddenly remember 20 years and some months later when you honestly can't recall what you ate today.

So, "Forward, the Light Brigade! Charge for the guns!"

It suddenly occurred to me today that when I have my larproscopy on January 12th, it's possible that rather than finding nothing and leaving me to wonder what to do with this pain and other "stuff," or finding endometriosis and/or adhesions which may cause me to lose my uterus, that a third possibility is that I might lose it all. Or most of it. It honestly hasn't popped into my thoughts the whole time I've been agonizing over whether or not to have my uterus removed if they find nothing when they open me up. (The doctor said that sometimes some people find relief from pelvic pain of unknown etiology by having a hysterectomy. I won't be doing that as there are too many other things that might go wrong: cystocele, hernia, worsening of my IBS, greater surgery aggravating my autoimmune illness/inflammatory response, vaginal, vaginal vault, urethral, small intestine or rectal prolapse and, ironically, pelvic pain.)

This lead to a rather intense anxiety attack with much sobbing. The thought of taking hormones for the rest of my life, when I am not yet 40 and my family has a life expectancy of around 80 or 90 years, usually, terrifies me. I like the way I look, flaws and all, but I do not want to gain more weight, I don't need any drier or pimplier skin and I am not fond of synthetic hormones to begin with. (But the nearest bio-identical doctor is near Philly. Too far for me to travel for a doctor's appointment; I grumble over traveling to Hershey, for crap's sake!)

All of this on top of the mystical proclamation that recovery will take four to seven days to four to six weeks depending on what they have to do, leading me to wonder how employed people plan for this shit.

So, I worry, but that is nothing new. It's my job to worry.

The fog creeps in on little cat feet.

For months, I have been excited about a new study the University was going to be conducting on behalf of the Army and NIMH. The original job posting seemed to imply there would be travellers hired in addition to people centrally located to certain bases. The study is close to my heart because of both my own mental health struggles and my respect for our soldiers and my belief more needs to be done to protect their mental health. One of the big requirements for the job was public speaking experience, which I have in spades. The study was postponed so they could revamp a few things and then they reposted the positions. The new posting clearly states that a firm requirement of the job is living within 30 miles of specified bases. None of the bases are anywhere near me.
So the job search I had been half-heartedly conducting while I waited to hear about said study now must proceed in earnest.
The thing is, with no degree and the "gap" of having been a stay-at-home-mother and the tight economy leaving fewer jobs and even fewer people wanting to take chances on unproven workers--like myself--the prospects seem a little bleak. Add to that my unwillingness to go back to retail--oh god, especially during the holidays--and I am, in a word, screwed. (Nearly 25 years of on and off full- and part-time work in retail has left me with a horrible, nasty, disgusting taste in my mouth. After having done "real" and meaningful work, I just cannot go back to that hell.)
Between the health questions swirling around me and this new wrench in the work works and full-on Autumn pounding me over the head with its short days and dead flora...like the poet says, "The fog creeps in on little cat feet." He forgets to say that before it moves on, you need to figure out how to kicks its ass the hell off of its "silent haunches."
Thanks to a few reminders from my bestie I finally bought a light box to try to help with the seasonal aspect of my depression. I have noticed my sleep patterns shifting a bit back towards a normal person's. Maybe a tiny bit more energy throughout the day.... But it is hard to judge its effect on my mood, because I don't know what it would be right now if I were not using the box. Ah, the paradox of the afflicted. Is it me or the "meds?"
For now, I guess, ONWARD! (Meaning not that I might give up on living, but that I may fall prey to total inertia. So here's to one foot in front of the other, y'all.)

A Pound of Flesh

Just as I was getting agonizingly tired this afternoon, I received a call back--finally--from my gynecologist. We chatted for a while and we agreed we should do some lab work to see where all of my hormone levels are in case this whole thing might be menopause hitting me in earnest. Yes, at 38 years old. We chatted a bit more about how I'd rather not do a laproscopic procedure (which could show endometriosis because that does not show up on ultrasounds) unless we had exhausted all non-invasive diagnostic measures. He said he totally understood and as we wrapped up the conversation he hit me with, "We really do need to have a serious discussion about hysterectomy at some point, though." Um, what? I was too stunned to say anything but the usual end of call pleasantries.
Hadn't this whole phone call just been about not wanting to do that unless absolutely necessary? Hadn't he told me that even if they see nothing wrong during a laproscopy they could do the hysterectomy if I wanted to do it because it may or may not help with the unknown problem? Now he's all like, "Hey, yeah, let's do this thing already."
I talked with Nate and reaffirmed that I would not have a hysterectomy if there was nothing indicating a need for one. Nate also said that if I get to the point where there is nothing else that can be done and Doc starts talking about it again that we'll get a second opinion or two or three.
Something has been bothering me during this whole thing, though, and that is this: All of my medical records from all of my doctors are available to all of my doctors since the are all affiliated with the same medical center. And both the gynecologist and the reproductive endocrinologist asked me about my moods and my Bipolar II in seemingly offhand ways and I'm always up for talking about it because I like to try to show people, that, "Hey, I do have a mental illness, but I'm okay and there is nothing scary or stigmatizing about it." Obviously, neither of them were merely curious but somehow connecting the mental health issues with my gynecological health issues. So it leaves me feeling like the diagnosis I am being labelled with behind closed doors is female hysteria. ("Keep her from breeding. Off with her uterus!")
At the end of the phone conversation I had with Nate I said, "Okay,well, I'll see you when you get home and, by the way, we really should talk about castrating you." He laughed nervously and said, "Um, what?" And I said, "EXACTLY! That is exactly how I felt after I talked to Dr. [name redacted]!"
I hadn't slept at all last night and was by this point trying to stay awake until bedtime, but the call and the dogs being snuggled up on top of me left me with little choice but to take a nap. I slept for two hours. I still feel utterly exhausted but I am quite worried that that small amount of rest will have me hanging out in Insomnia Cafe again, tonight...

Mean mothereffin' reds...

The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.--Holly Golightly

Ketchup List

Not that really anyone reads this, but I haven't posted in a month and four days. I've been going thorugh a lot and trying to get back in the groove at work. And...I got addicted to Facebook.
Argh! I didn't even want to join FB, but now I can't stop!
So since last episode:
[I'm going to do this as clinically as possible so as to keep this from rambling on for a jillion words.]

• I had a pregnancy scare.
• It turned out to be false.
• But the negative test was the false thing.
• Because I had a miscarriage.
• I'm now waiting for a second ultrasound because I have polyps or fibroids or something and they need to see them at a different part of my cycle.
• I've spent the past few weeks worrying about surgeries, d&cs, menopause, and on and on. (Tuesday. Just two more days until the next step.)
• I cannot seem to get in the groove at work since my xmas holiday because of the above, the weather and general health problems discussed in this blog that are still unresolved. (My GI appt is this week, too, as is my general practitioner appt, so we'll wait and see what the next step is with my GI system and the neuropathy.)
• My mental health has been suprisingly good considering the above. I'm still generally happy with life, just sad over events. And my moods have been quite stable, thank you very much.
• I'm qute happy with the Obama administration so far and was in awe of the inauguration, and also glad I didn't go regardless of the historical significance of being there. Because I had a much better view from my couch and it was warm there, too!
• So, that's about it for now. I'm no feeling to creative or chatty...FB might be killing my creatitivty gene, lol. OrI'm just preoccupied a few things right now. I don't know.
• But it is quite cool catching up with long lost friends and acquaintances lives. A lot of them are very suprising to me, which is good and bad in many ways. And the pictures that have been posted of me are acting as a mild motivator to get my fat ass moving at the gym, but I still get sweaty palms thinking of a gym. So I'm not quite there yet, but soon. Really soon...
• Holden has a serious girlfriend for the first time and it makes me feel much older than I did right before he started dating her. And a little bit like I've lost a bit of him I'll never get back, now. Sad. But necessary.

Short post to get the balling rolling again.

Tiredtiredtired. And I don't have any idea why, but I am constantly sleeping.
MY BFF and her DH had their gorgeous baby boy, Tobin Samuel Sincoff. (I was up there for a few days so that is my excuse for not blogging for a month, lol.)
I'll post the pics I took after I (finally) email them to the proud and happyhappy parents.
Quick news:

• Boys are on Xmas vacay now.
• My quarter is done (finally!) and I have two paid weeks off. (Great to work for a university.)
• My chest x-ray, bloodwork, biopsies, etc etc were all normal. Cuz it's probably all in my head, right? I am going to take BFF's advice and reuqest a pulmonology follow up for asthma (even though my immunologist seemed pretty sure it wasn't, because, ehy, that's not their speciality, right?) if the 24 hour Ph test shows nothing, since that is already scheduled anyway. Since I skipped it once before thinking it wasn't necessary, that is probably the one test for which they'll find something. Because that is my luck. I could have gone and been taken care of months ago, but I think I'm a doctor or something.
• Honestly it is the kind of tired I had with bad depression, but we'll keep that on the back burner until we know there is no physical reason for it. They already upped my anti-depressant (because of increased depression) and anti-anxiolytic (for sleep since they took me off of the sleep aid I had taken forever because we were trying to weed out some drugs that might worsen the dryness I experience orally, ocularly and-um-vaginally). But I'm going to ask about raising the Effexor XR once again, lowering the cloanzepam back to what it was and going back on the Trazodone at a half of the dose I had been on. (I like chemistry, lol!)
• BFF and I will be starting a slightly different sort of mommy blog shortly.
• My holiday shopping is (almost) done, but nothing is wrapped.
• Reading lot when I'm not sleeping.
• My plants are doing well, knock wood.
• I'm Twittering a bit more regularly the past few days to try to get some momentum to post here.
• And I'm thinking of starting a tumblog. Ooops, I did it. No posts, yet.

My Behind is Behind

Yeah, so it's been a while. It's hard for me to feel like posting as my depression is getting worse and there seems to be too much to say to have the energy to explain. Plus, most of the people in my life already know all of this, but here goes: a recap of sorts.
I had sent an email to my rheumatologist regarding the neuropathy that was a paranoid rant about how "maybe I have sarcoidosis or MS??" My rheumy graciously responding without saying, "Hey nutso!! CHILL!" She explained the reasons why I probably don't have either, but we can run a few tests to prove it and she also suggested I should have had the Ph test for reflux that my immunologist had suggested. (They told me that the wheezing and coughing I've been having for a while was not asthma as far as the tests showed ad it may be reflux--even though I don't have the more common symptoms like heartburn or acid burps. I skipped it because the test required wearing a wire up my nose down into my esophagus for 24 hours, said wire being attached to a little computer I wear on my belt monitoring the Ph levels in my esophagus. Since I was convinced it is not reflux, I said "eewwww" and skipped it.) So I called to schedule that.
Then I got a phone call from my primary care doctor's office saying she received the email from my rheumy and wanted to bring me in to discuss some things we could explore. (They never called me for an appointment before, so this freaked me out a little.)
Meanwhile I had my gastroenterology appointment. The woman told me that we would not do the Ph test as first she wanted to schedule me for an upper GI endoscopy to check for esophogeal damage, ulcers and pre-cancerous lesions. WHAT?? Oooookay. So I scheduled that. Then when the nurse called to go over the procedure and my meds, etc., she said they would do a biopsy to check for eosinophilic esophagitis at the request of the doctor in addition to any they do if the see "something." Oooookay.
Anyway, whatever is causing the wheezing and dry cough is what is probably leaving me exhausted as it obviously interferes with the amount of oxygen I get while I sleep.
Still no idea why I have neuropathy. Probably will have to just live with it at this point. Sigh.
So all of this uncertainity is combining with the fact that it is fall heading into winter and that is always bad for my depression to leave me on a downward slide. My psychiatrist upped my Effexor XR; my PCP took me off of my trazodone and upped my clonazapem and took me off of two other meds (allergy stuff) to try to a) reduce the number of meds I'm taking and b) relieve some of the severe dryness in my eyes, mouth and --ahem!--Sister Suzy. (This is not--as proven by bloodwork--Sjogren's; just dryness from meds and a natural dryness I've always leaned towards. The mouth dryness is annoying because my teeth are starting to chip and break more easily and the eye dryness prevents me from ever wearing contacts. I use Celluvisc in my eyes and various forms of biotene and sugar-free gum to alleviate mouth dryness.)
So now we wait.

In other news, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that both of my boys, in recent months, have cut off their long, luxurious locks into "skater" cuts and my oldest died his black. It actually looks good on him, but the whole "cool teen/tween" thing they are going through makes me sad. I miss my little baby boys snuggling on my lap and laughing crazily at life. Now they are "emo" and perpeutally sarcastic--still funny and not at all depressed, just the projection of coolness and aloofness that makes me miss them even when they are right there in the room.

Holden made high honors and Ethan did well with his first quarter portfolio.

Nate is still working his butt off.

My BFF is ready to pop out a sweet baby boy any day/week now.

My brother-in-law's wife, ditto.

It's hard to be surrounded by baby love just as I'm missing it most.

I've started a few small indoor succulent gardens with various types of living rocks. All of my plants still seem to be doing alright, knock wood.

My book list over there -------> is suffering a bit. I've been reading a lot of magazines when I do read,; I forget to enter books and I haven't reviewed anything for a while. But anyway, at least I'm reading something, right?

And my job... Well, let's just say I'm looking forward to the end of this quarter. I need new sample. New areas to work.

And lastly, poor Ethan is home sick with what seems to be a cold. Voluntarily sleeping. Now that's sick. Poor sweetie.

Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint, it's delicious.

A little wee tiny bit of politics. Just a little.

McCain is a "Card 56 douchebag." Again.




Well, this card-carrying, hairy-legged, socialist feminist will be proud to counter the "counter" of Palin with a vote for Obama.

By now you've probably heard that Palin thinks some of us in the (AHEM!) blue states ain't so patriotic. Card 56 douchebag (and my pal) Michele Bachmann (R.-Minn) was kind enough to have Palin's back on that one. Can't wait for the all-girl version of the HUAC. HOT!

More racist bullshite if you can stand it:

1. Snohomish County GOP pulls "$3 bills" smearing Obama from fair booth


2. Incendiary sign in McCain office links Obama to dictators


3. Obama effigy found hanging at George Fox University

Sarah Palin is an unethical thief, part 2.
Alaska funded Palin kids' travel
(Ya gotta read this one, goshdarnit. Sarah SixPack sounds so goldang down to earth. Just like me. Especially the part about spendin' $21K of someone elses money on plane tickets and thousands of someone elses money on separate luxury hotel rooms for the kiddos over the course of 23 months, you betcha, goshdarnit.)

Horrible people exploit their own children so "the gays" don't get married and somehow...exploit...their children? Hmmm...wait, that can't be right...

This is seriously effed up. What the hell is going on in today's Army? Seriously?

Army to probe 5 slayings linked to Colo. brigade
By P. SOLOMON BANDA, Associated Press Writer P. Solomon Banda, Associated Press Writer – Sat Oct 18, 10:12 am ET
DENVER – Fort Carson soldiers returning from deployment in Iraq are suspects in at least five slayings, and officials want to know why.Commander Maj. Gen. Mark Graham announced Friday a task force will examine any commonalities in the five killings, all allegedly committed by soldiers from the post's 4th Brigade Combat Team in the past 14 months. A sixth BCT soldier faces an attempted murder charge. "We have many great young Americans in our Army who have volunteered to serve during a time of war, almost all of whom are great citizens," Graham said in a statement. "However, we too are very concerned about these horrible acts." Fort Carson also plans to re-screen about 1,200 soldiers from the brigade for potential physical or mental health problems. Earlier Friday, Colorado Sen. Ken Salazar asked Army Secretary Pete Geren to investigate the slayings. Officials learned of the latest on Monday, when Spc. Robert Hull Marko, 21, led investigators to the body of 19-year-old Judilianna "Judi" Lawrence, whom he met on the social networking Web site MySpace, according to an arrest affidavit released Tuesday. The affidavit said Marko told investigators he had violent sex with Lawrence before slitting her throat and leaving her to die in the foothills west of Colorado Springs. His next court appearance is Monday. The issue of homicides by combat-stressed veterans gained national prominence in January, after The New York Times reported that at least 121 Iraq and Afghanistan war veterans had committed a killing in the United States or been charged in one. Karen Linne, a spokeswoman for Fort Carson, said commanders two months ago ordered squad leaders and team leaders to reevaluate soldiers to see if they need additional help following concerns raised after another soldier from the unit was linked to a double slaying. Pfc. Jomar Dionisio Falu-Vives, 24, and
Spc. Rodolfo Torres-Gandarilla, 20, face attempted murder charges in the May 26 wounding of Capt. Zachary Zsody, who was shot twice while standing at an intersection. An arrest affidavit released in August said an AK-47 used in the Zsody case was found in Falu-Vives' apartment and it was also used in the June 6 deaths of two people gunned down on the street while putting up signs for a garage sale. Killed were Cesar Ramirez Ibanez, 21, and Amairany Cervantes, 28. Prosecutors filed murder charges against Falu-Vives on Sept. 15. Three other members of the unit were accused in the slayings of two soldiers. Bruce Bastien Jr. was sentenced last month to 60 years in prison. He pleaded guilty to accessory to murder in the December shooting death of Kevin Shields, and conspiracy to commit murder in the August 2007 death of Robert James.
Bastien, and co-defendant Kenneth Eastridge, both agreed to testify against fellow Iraq war veteran Louis Bressler, the alleged triggerman. Eastridge pleaded guilty July 11 to accessory to murder in Shields' death and will be sentenced Nov. 3. Bressler is scheduled to go on trial in the Shield slaying Nov. 3, while his trial in the James homicide is scheduled for Dec. 1. "Those who committed these violent crimes should be brought to justice," said Salazar. "But these tragedies also raise a number of questions from the backgrounds and service records of these soldiers, to whether they received waivers to enter the service, to the adequacy of mental health screening and treatment within the Army." Falu-Vives and Torres-Gandarilla, accused together in one case and Bastien, Bressler and Eastridge, accused in the two slayings, served in Iraq last year with the 2nd Battalion of the 4th Brigade Combat Team. There weren't any immediate indications that both sets of men knew each other. Marko was a mortarman with Charlie Company, 3rd Squadron, 61st Cavalry Regiment, of the 4th BCT and served from February 2007 until February of this year.

Alton Brown, a man who owes his living to those who love food, is a fattist. Gross.

Food Star Alton Brown Talks Sustainability
[EXCERPT:]”I’ve
struggled with weight all my life, and probably always will. But I was on my most recent book tour I was shocked by the number of overweight families,” he says. “People would come up to me and say, ‘Oh, we love the Food Network.’ Well,
no (expletive); did you eat the TV? There’s only four of you and you can’t ride
in an elevator together. I’ll probably make fat people angry, but we need, as a
culture, to be ashamed. It’s not “… healthy.”[whole article at link]

Finally, a personal note:

Ugh, it was a long day. I left the house at 9:45 a.m. and returned at 8:30 p.m. and still had a bunch of admin stuff to do. At least I'm getting hours in, right?
So..."the incident" i mentioned the other day? Well, a respondent met me at my car with a gun and told me to get off of the property. I quickly obliged. Went back to work yesterday, finally, and got another freakazoid flipping out in their own paranoid, government-hating, inbred hillbilly way. Thus proving that the jokes regarding that particular county's ignorance (in every sense of the word) are based in a modicum of sad, sad truth. I won't name the county, as I would violate confidentiality laws, but if you're from around here, you probably know which county I mean. (Yesterday was not traumatizing, just annoying as all hell.) I'm doing okay now, just dreading the next few months "up there." Nate handled the news admirably, although he is still fighting the urge, he says, to go up there himself. Probably doesn't hurt his odds at not getting shot that I would never tell him the address. ;-)
And I know I haven't talked about my mental state in a while and that is one at least a couple of people ended up here.
So...
It's fall. I'm blue.
But, don't panic!! I'm not what I qualify (for me, at least) as depressed. At lot this has to do with the shorter days. A little has to do with my boys separating more and more from me as they self-actualize more and more. The past few days there is a bit of anger at humans who threaten other humans merely for existing thrown into the mix. And a LOT of it has to do with the exhaustion I have been experiencing lately in conjunction with neauropathy, both of which are, still, as yet unexplained. Sigh. But I know what the causes are, so I am able to deal with the various aspects in effective ways. Today I read that the brain stimulating magnet which I've following closely for years now has been approved by the government for use. This heartens me a lot, and it is something I will try to pursue before more ECT if it ever comes to that. But I am still a hearty proponent of ECT for those who can get no relief otherwise for whatever reason (drug resistance, pregnancy, old age, etc.). Some people might question how I can take such chances with my most important organ. My answer is, if you had ever experienced my brain, you, too, would probably do whatever you needed to do to try to make your way back from hell for yourself, your children, your husband, your parents, whatever or whoever it is that anchors you to this Earth. There was no other answer left for me and I made the decision as fully informed as one can be without actually training to perform the prodcedure. The magnet? Well, I think if I get to that point again, why not try something less invasive? If it doesn't work? Back to the ECT again. And if it does work, but later we find out there was some horrible after effect? Well, I will have had the time that it gave me back, and perhaps my having participated in the treatment will have helped to discover or confirm whatever the problems were. I have no problem with being a guinea pig. As long as I am as fully informed as I can be and I feel comfortable with what is knowable, I feel like maybe my willingness to pioneer (or whatever) could help others who aren't willing to be ealry adapters or guinea pigs or whatever you may want to label it. Some people play(ed) "chemistry class" with their bodies in other ways, I choose to do it in potentially helpful ways, either for me or for others or both.


Moving on...


My plants are all doing amazingly well, even the pothos which I almost (somehow) killed. 9ddon't laugh!) When I divided it into three smaller sections instead of one HUGE section it plumped right back up. YAY!



Just watched Law & Order: SVU and, by gosh, by golly, my honey Chris Eliot played an astronaut stalking weirdo. Straight. It was awesome!

And right after that I watched last night's Countdown, on which he told a cool story:







Keith always has little tidbits like this, and they always make me wonder if there isn't some kind of Six Degrees game we couldn't make up for him. He's connected to EVERYTHING, man!



(And p.s.: His Special Comment was great, too. He hates Bachmann as much as he should.)

And lastly I watched Craig Ferguson (Cleg Feh-guson) who had Leanne Marshall on and went on and about Project Runway. He is actually, apparently, a HUGE fan. Which cemented it: he had made THE LIST!

So the new list is:

1. Jon Stewart
2. Christian Bale
3. Keith Olberman
4. Daniel Craig
5. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt--but only as a team!! ;-)

But most of all my wonderful, loving husband who does sexy-ass-motherfucking things like cook me chocolate pudding, put it in a HUGE measuring cup with a comfortable handle and letting me eat spoon by spoon and not sharing it because I had a tough week and my period on top of that. That's (as Paris would say) HOT!

Someday soon, I'll get my verbosity under control. But there is so much going on in the world right now!!! TTFN, sweeties! (Sleepy....YAWN!)

Please stick with me while I scrapbook the election.

When I first started reading blogs, this is what they mostly were. Collections of others' articles and writings; sometimes with commentary, sometimes not. But now blogs tend to be mostly original content. And mine has mostly been a personal journal of sorts. But, at least until the election is over, there are going to be many more posts like this.

So bear with me. I need to collect it all for "posterity," and if you happen to learn something, all that much better. (I'm a "collector" as you probably know by now. A reincarnation of someone who lived the depression, for sure. If I were a spinster, I'd be a hoarder. Since I'm a family chick, my men keep it--mostly--in check.)

So:

Did you Google yourself 2001 style yet? I barely "web-existed." ("Web-existance" and it various forms copyright me, right now. Use it freely, though. I'll collect royalties once it gets outside of my circle.)

Barack Obama Set Your Voice As His Ringtone. (Weird, I've done the same for him. Must be love, love, love.)

However, John McCain thinks that's a bunch of hooey. (It's also mutual, Johnny.) (BTW, did ya see my t-shirt? I've gotten TONS of compliments on it.)

Do you not think this is one gorgeous fucking map??

Keep an eye on it here.

Uh-oh... photos surface of Obama's radical past
by jab Sat Oct 04, 2008 at 09:10:42 PM PDT
So you Democrats thought you could make this election about the issues?
Yes, the banking system is in a crisis imperiling the entire global economy. Sure, unemployment is rising and incomes are falling. Of course our health care system is the laughingstock of the world. Yes, we're bogged down in Iraq, the 9/11 masterminds remain at large and the Taliban are poised to regain control of Afghanistan. Sure, we run secret torture camps around the world and eavesdrop on U.S. citizens. Yes, global warming is wiping out species and changing the seasons and whipping up hurricanes and imperiling our coastlines. So I can see why you think you'd be able to get people to vote for changing parties in this upcoming election.
But you neglected to consider one thing: YOUR CANDIDATE PALS AROUND WITH TERRORISTS. [click here for photographic proof]

And for those of you with relatives who (AHEM!) believe this shit, here are a few things you can memorize, spout back and then have ignored, because that Palin, doggone it, just a Joe-Six-Pack like me, not no terr-uh-ist like that Barack Hus-SEIN Obama!

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a lying, stubby, saggy-jowled bastard of a mysoginist, chauvanist and, possibly, racist pig.

I know the four people who read this probably either read or were (AHEM! AGAIN!) forced to read the following, but they are my favorites from Sunday.

1. Who You Callin’ a Maverick? By JOHN SCHWARTZ Published: October 4, 2008
   There’s that word again: maverick. In Thursday’s vice-presidential debate, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska, the Republican candidate, used it to describe herself and her running mate, Senator John McCain, no fewer than six times, at one point calling him “the consummate maverick.” [continued at above link]
2. Pitbull Palin Mauls McCain By FRANK RICH Published: October 4, 2008
   SARAH PALIN’S post-Couric/Fey comeback at last week’s vice presidential debate was a turning point in the campaign. But if she “won,” as her indulgent partisans and press claque would have it, the loser was not Joe Biden. It was her running mate. With a month to go, the 2008 election is now an Obama-Palin race — about “the future,” as Palin kept saying Thursday night — and the only person who doesn’t seem to know it is Mr. Past, poor old John McCain. [continued at above link]
3. Sarah’s Pompom Palaver By MAUREEN DOWD Published: October 4, 2008
   I had hoped I was finally done with acting as an interpreter for politicians whose relationship with the English language was tumultuous. [continued at above link]

Somehow I missed this one from Bob Herbert on Friday until tonight: Palin’s Alternate Universe or this one from Gail Collins of Friday: Talking in Points

Sarah Palin apparently thinks I can go to hell for one MORE reason, as if she didn't already have enough reasons.

And this one is just interesting to me and I want to see what anyone else thinks:

Reimbursements Raise Tax Issues for Palin

And, finally, if you've stuck with me this long and care about such things:

My rheumatologist appointment is Thursday, October 16th. I won't have the results of any of my myriad blood tests until then, so it's a pain waiting.

(My update to my online support group will catch you up iuf I haven't caught you up already:

"My rheumy said basically 'I have no clue' when I told her I wasn't any better, now what. So she ordered a bunch more blood tests. She mailed me the lab sheet; it is basically every tests I have ever had done, plus a few new ones, done over again. It'll be a pint of blood, lol."

Then:

"I did just notice that the lab slip say Dx code 710.8 which is
'Index entries containing 710.8:
Disease, diseased - see also Syndrome
collagen NEC 710.9
specified NEC 710.8Fibrosclerosis
familial multifocal NEC 710.8
multifocal (idiopathic) NEC 710.8Syndrome - see also Disease
systemic
fibrosclerosing 710.8System, systemic - see also condition
fibrosclerosing syndrome 710.8'

when she used to code me 710.9 , so I don't know what is up with that. One of the tests she is running is anti-tissue transglutaminase, which i just looked up and it's for celiac, which i was never tested for before, but i'll say right now if i have celiac: SCREW IT! I'll deal with the symptoms, 'cuz i ain't giving up gluten, period. she is running a lyme test again
and all o f the AI tests again: ana, anti-ds-dna, anti-smith, anti RNP, ss-a, ss-b, PLUS all of the normal stuff, thyroid stuff, urine stuff, etc.")

I'm tired and in pain (aching, sore and stiff) from whatever is and then I had an IBS flare-up which started Sunday and continued through when I was supposed to be enjoying a delicious meal in Manhattan last Monday night. And, then, it was gone for Tuesday's View-stravanga. And by the time I got home a cold or similar virus had me in its vice-like grip and continues to palm me a bit more gently now. But working is a bitch because my balance is TOTALLY off, and the respondent's probably all think I am an abused woman as my body is covered in, literally, dozens of bruises from running into every solid object I've crossed paths with this week. I know, it's a virus and I sound like a baby, but please remember I have a compromised immune system because of my previously diagnosed autoimmune illness, so what hits you, hits me harder, most likley, plus I already had this "THING," this "OTHER," going on in my body which is unknown yet. So there.

I'm getting a bit blue from the assholes I seem to be encountering this quarter at work and from not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me physically. But NOT the deep depression that would worry me. This is situational and understandalbe and manageable.

Things bought in NYC:

1. Robert Piguet's Bandit (Hard to find in stores near me and a fascinating fragrance for my collection. I've been wearing it non-stop for a week--yes, even while passed out in bed! And it's a total foil to another serious favorite--and standby--of mine: Robert Piguet's Fracas)
2. L'Occitane's Almond Shower Oil (Because it was there, and I'd wanted to try it. I'm "eh" on it. I thought it would be more moisturizing, but it smells good.)

On The View they gave us the DVD of Iron Man. The audience coming in after us got THIS for free:

• Oreck Platinum Series Powerteam Vacuum is only $799
• Next up is the Kitchenaid Artisan Mixer at $349.99
• Next is the Viper Security Remote Starter for $499
• Next is the 19″ LCD HD TV with DVD Player for $349.95
• And finally the Audio Limited indoor/outdoor wireless speakers for only $99.99

Does my luck fucking suck or WHAT???

Thandie Newton is on Craig Ferguson's show right now and she just said her daughters are named Nico--after THE Nico--and Ripley--after Sigourney's alien whupping woman. How cool is that? Then Craig said he played drums for Nico! How cool is that? I love his show, BTW; he is seriously vying for "the list."

Okay, this post might be my "longest friggin' post EVER."

So goodnight for now.

And yes, the debate rocked. ;-)

Random list: Things I've learned this year

These are a few things I have learned this past year:

• No matter how long the darkness is, there IS light again at the end.
• My boys are soon adults. (!!!!!!!)
• My boys are more funny, intelligent and independent than I ever realized, and I like to think I have almost everything to do with that.
• Keith Olbermann is the most entertaining and wonderful newsman on TV. Who knew I'd love someone from ESPN so much??
• The face--the literal face--of politics is changing. A woman and a man of mixed race running for POTUS is amazing!!
• The figurative face of politics can change--witness Obama's campaign full of dignity, truth and actual hope. It's not just a slogan.
• When one is cruising through all of the CSI episodes ever made on Spike TV and CBS and has almost run out, ECT will make them all new and fresh to watch again. Not that I recommend this method of re-loving your shows.
• Surprises can come in small and large packages, sometimes at the exact same time.
• Life can throw crap at you for a few years and seemingly devestate your world, but it is more than likely not a lifetime of bad luck and life will bless you again at some point.
• I am ready to try to keep houseplants alive again. (Wish me and my black thumb luck!)
• Costco's filet mignon is about the best thing ever meat-wise.
• Frank's Red Hot--a longtime favorite--can fix more foods than previously thought.
• Good coffee and red wine (long consumed, but never before fully appreciated) are indispensible little bits of heaven in my everyday routine.
• All that loud music as a kid really does effect your hearing. Sigh... (As a connected "thing I've learned": Closed Captioning is a wonderful invention.)
• You can grow older and grow more liberal contrary to popular belief. (Right, my socialist little hubby? MWAH!)
• You can absolutely retain "cool-ness" as you grow older. Sometimes you can even increase it.

Maybe more later.

Fortuitous or coincidence?

Since about December I have been wearing a beaded chain--like for dog tags--with a peace symbol, a Kwan Yin medal and a Saint Dymphna medal. I also have another St. Dymphna medal on my charm bracelet and three St. Dymphna prayer cards scattered throughout the house. No, I'm not anywhere near Catholic, but this saint--the patroness of mental health--spoke to me on a more basic level, and it can't hurt to have her near, right?
Today I picked up my necklace after my shower, which was fine when I laid it on the dressing table, and the St. Dymphna medal just fell off--the ring holding it on was broken. I put her back on with a new ring just in case, but is someone speaking to me about something or is it just a weird coincidence that she falls off when I seem not to need her much anymore?

My word in edgewise. Hell, my word full-frontal!!

GROUP SUCKS DIRTY, SMELLY MONKEY BALLS!
I cannot stand listening to people whine about how horrible their life is when they are clearly unwilling to change it at at all. I am sick of listening to people describing a breakup (not even of a marriage) of ten years ago as what is causing them to be "depressed" today. I am totally over the concept of "I can't find a mate" as some sort of synonym for "depressed." You wanna know depressed? I'll show you depressed, then I'll turn it sideways and shove it up your lazy, whiny ass. I am exhausted with trying to give my opinion or insight (as we are supposed to) only to be cut off by yet another manic bipolar person. I am exhausted, period, from listening to the manics in the crowd.
In other news, I like my counsellor and psychiatrists quite well, thank you. I even heard a phrase I never remembered hearing from a counsellor of mine before which had an impact on me. I need to validate all of the "invalidated emotions" from my childhood and young adulthood. Now, it is such an elementary phrase and concept, but it was honestly not familiar to me. Maybe it is one of the things I "lost in the fire." (Hmmmm... This is my terminology for the memories I lost in ECT, but it just struck me that I have never used it in this forum before.)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was described to me YET AGAIN in one "educational seminar" today. I get it! I get it! But the last step has had me stuck for about fifteen years now. HELP ME WITH THAT!!! AAAAARGH!
I forgot to wash my travel mug so I had to throw out my paper SBUX cup which made me feel guilty. Yes, I have gotten to the point where I feel guilty over one paper coffee cup and sleeve. I didn't have time to pack my lunch for some reason (which was a nice rounded healthy meal) so I ate at KFC and felt guilty about the factory farmed chickens and the paper I was wasting and the crap I was putting into my body and the underpaid workers and...and... Yes, somebody please stop me. This is not right. I think I am getting, goddess forgive me for even thinking it, too eco-concious. But then Nate mailed me this article, and I realized, "Maybe somebody should "worry about the birds." Maybe 'too' isn't so bad when some people are 'not enough.'" I just wish I wasn't so quick to judge myself for little "misses" when I have so many "hits." (Oh, but if I could figure out that last step of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'd be able to forgive and forget the "misses," right?)
I got abso-fucking-lutely NO errands done today, although I still have to take my youngest to his soccer practice at 6:30. So...library and Humane Society tomorrow maybe?

T-I-R-E-D

I told you: "sharing with the group" makes me tired. Plus the two times I had to repeat my life story for my resident psychiatrist and then the attending psychiatrist. And I didn't even SEE the counsellor today, so I' ll repeat it a third time tomorrow.
Well, I didn't like group. Surprise, surprise. Besides the fact that I have to listen to strangers' problems when I already have my own with which I don't know how to deal, I also have to tell a whole roomful of strangers my life story. So I held back a bit today, but I had good feedback that what I did say was said well and was a good start.
Then there's the little annoyances of being in a roomful of people and having to be paying attention to one person. The various weird noises and habits of people who are supposed to be paying attention but are sucking candy loudly or breathing oddly or whatever. As those who know me know, I have "issues" with distracting noises or movements. Chewing loudly, sucking your teeth or candy, chewing or cracking gum loudly (all of what I call "mouth noises), "rutching" around a lot, bouncing your foot, feet or legs, cracking your knuckles, etc., etc. These all earn my evil glare and, sometimes, if I love you enough (lucky you) a stern and bitchy, "Stop that!!" funny thing, though: I do a lot of these things myself and find it perfectly acceptable for ME to do so. So...um..suck it, I guess, lol.
Seriously though, I am exhausted and want to nap, but we leave for soccer practice soon. On the plus side, I am almost done with "The Audacity of Hope" book on CD (pirated from the library to my MP3 player), so there's that to look forward to while waiting for practice to be over, I guess.
As far as errands: I got my recycling all dropped off and picked up my prescriptions, but will have to go to the library tomorrow. (I always think it's okay to return stuff a day or two or six late anyway, as they need all the money they can get, right?) Also on the afternoon errand list: finally dropping off the leftover meds at the Humane Society and getting Zeke's (now 3½ months overdue) dog license. (Bad, bad, dog owner!!)
419 email tally for the day: 14!!! (That might be an all time high for me.)
Hopefully I make it through the rest of the night and the whole day tomorrow. But, so far, I haven't really gotten anything from the program. I'm sure it's just because I've only just dipped my toe in the pool today. But now the introductions are (almost) done, and I demand results, damn it!! ;-)
OH! P.S. I met a lady today with an SEIU for Obama button who actually works for SEIU and gave me her card and told me to send a resume. ("They're ALWAYS hiring!") I also know one of their "big guns" down there, so I sent it off already, but I am not expecting much. Their hours, though, are Brutal, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either.

And then to bed.

I still haven't figured out how lunch works tomorrow. A stupid little thing which has been nagging at me. Strange since there is so much else to be worried about. For example how much one on one counselling I will get and how much group is involved. Or what group will be like. Or what "activities" means exactly. And how tired I will be after a full day of baring my soul to strangers. Telling the same stories yet again. I am bored with the stories. I just want to know how to deal with this crap in my life, but I don't really want to have to tell the stories AGAIN.
I have library books overdue and library books to pick up and recycling to drop off and prescriptions to pick up and soccer practice yet again tomorrow night. And the prospect of doing these on what is sure to be little sleep and a full day of counselling does not make me chipper at all.
I sincerely hope this program helps to get me somewhere. I fear the depression will soon be creeping back if not. And that fear is dangerous to the cycle of depression. I got "healthy" and now I need to actually get healthy with that energy I regained. The window will soon close and I'll have to start all over again. I know, I know, negative Nelly. This kind of thinking is what does me in every time.
Okay, how about:
I WILL get healthy.
Did it sound convincing?

Yay?

My counsellor had suggested that now that I am doing well after the ECT and because my "issues" are at the root of my depression--on top of biology, that is--that perhaps a partial hospitalization program would help by giving me the intense therapy I need to get on with dealing with these issues. I'm resistant because I hate--I mean HATE--group therapy. But, apparently, group is but a small portion of the help I will get. So we are on the way to completing the referral. I will be going to Hershey Med Center (again) starting on Tuesday unless my insurance says "Nay." The program there is 9:00 a.m.-3:30 p.m., Monday through Friday. Hmm? Do we eat there? I forgot to ask...


In other, not so interesting, news: I wanted to ask you to make note of my "What I'm Reading Now" feature on the sidebar. (It's over there ---> somewhere; scroll down and come back; I'll wait.) Okay. Note how all of the books have good grades? Yeah, well, I give books a "30 page test." First let me say, I carefully "vet" books before I buy them or check them out of the library. So if they make it to the list at all, we can assume I would call them at least a "C" or I wouldn't be interested enough to go the trouble. I am not forced to read stuff like a real book reviewer might be. Then I read the first 30 or so pages with as open a mind as is possible for me. If, for some reason, I am bored or do not like the tone or tenor of the book, I will put it aside and move on. Hence only "C+" and above will ever show up here. UNLESS, and this is a big exception, I decide to foray into bizarro world and read a book I know I will hate to keep abreast of the "enemy." These are almost exclusively non-fiction books and happens rarely, as I must have the mental strength to get through it without wanting to hunt down the author like an animal. Right now I am number nine (!!)--up from number twelve--on the waiting list at the library for a book called--no lie--Liberal Fascism: The Secret History of the American Left, From Mussolini to the Politics of Meaning by Jonah Goldberg. Now, you can click the link, but if you buy it, I can no longer be your friend. Please check your local library if you must, like some masochist such as myself, read this polemic. Here is the cover:


How could I resist such filth?? It so worries me that I am number nine up from number twelve, but then again, maybe they are all spying on the enemy, like I am. (If not, then I rather like the irony of "conservatives" partaking of government services like the public library. But I'm sure they'd never get it!)
Oh, funny, I just got a phone bank call from Obama's campaign. Funny, because I have been phone banking, too. He was on script, but I interrupted him to save him time. "We are 'strong supporters,' I am already a volunteer, and we are already donating money." Check, check and CHECK! Next call. Do you want to phone bank for the April 22 PA primary? Go to the website click "Make Calls" about halfway down the page on the right, or if you are in PA click the "Pennsylvania Neighborhood Teams" box and sign up to make calls. You can do it from home, they give you a script and it makes a big difference for the campaign, believe me!! After the first few you'll get the hang of it if you've never done it before. Plus you can put it on your resume if you want to. (Speaking of resumes: I got another rejection ths morning--well, the position was already filled. Same diff in the end.)
Now: to the errands!

Going Out with Friends Long Not Seen

Tonight will be the first night I will see a few old friends since the ECT. I'm nervous. It's like a coming out party or something, and I feel worried that I will not fulfill expectations. Can I show them I'm "happy enough?" Will I piss anyone off with my still occasionally poor memory? Will I get drunk and embarrass myself? (We're going to a brewpub, and lately beer--and just beer, not liquor or wine--gets me pretty high after one or two.) Maybe I'll stick to their home brewed root beer and water.

Some of them I've seen once or twice in the past year because of the "holing up" which took place as the depression deepened. I feel as if I will be on display or something tonight. None of these people know anyone else who has had ECT most likely. I'm the specimen for their collection. These friends are all about the warmest most non-judgemental people you can imagine, but I still worry.

I still regret not seeing some good friends who moved back to Wisconsin while I was "all about Kayly." I feel deep sadness about losing such good and decent friends. I know we can still exchange emails, cards, etc., but it's not the same as New Year's Eve parties, drop-bys, and other various invitations.

My nervousness is extending to what clothes and shoes to wear and how to do my hair and whether or not to put makeup on. These are not concerns I usually have when I see my friends. I've even come up with conversation topics, in case conversation is awkard and lags. Here is the list so far:

• Obama
• Obama
• the PA primary
• Obama

Yeah, I'm a little one-track-minded lately. Nervous about 4/22, too.

Feeling a little blue...

HAPPY VERNAL EQUINOX!!
Aaaaannd THAT'S about all of the cheer I can muster today. Feeling like crap with a cold still and found out I didn't get the WITF job I wanted so badly. So not much up for chatting and blathering, but my Obama blog has lots of reading material from other writers.
And if you know of any jobs for unskilled, but intelligent, people in the Harrisburg area, please let me know. And NO, I don't want to work retail or volunteer--I need a paycheck.

a bit more personal this one is

I am having much better days, much more optimism, much more "get get up get up and go go go," much more day light (literally, as I am both waking much earlier and actually opening all of the blinds and letting in the sunshine, both very new for me), much more ability to plan for the future. But I am still having these brief periods where, in a flash-outta-nowhere, blackness hits and I cry. I guess that this is a kind of "withdrawal" to the process of having been depressed for so long, who knows.
I do know that I am actively searching for a job and want to get out there as soon as possible so I can maintain my good hours and "daylight savings-account balance" to keep from slipping back into bad habits that in turn would lead to the old depression. It's a vicious cycle as depression always is. So far nobody has called for an interview. This amps up my anxiety, which leads to either a) an as-aforementioned crying jag or b) a Klonopin and a glass of red wine. (Sure one or the other would do the trick, but together: bliss! Plus the added bonus of everything being astoundingly amusing! Chill with judgyjudgy--this happens about twice a week at most.How much beer do you drink/pot do you smoke/food do you scarf when you feel bored/blue/angry?)
It's been suggested that I volunteer somewhere, a good deed that would be indeed, however...
Confession time: When released from the booby hatch I had the courage to finally come clean with my husband about a shameful secret: Over the past 4-5 years I've run up an astounding credit card debt. My credit rating is still very good (probably better than yours, even) as my payments are always well above the minimum and on time. But my spending was tootoo much. The accounts are closed; the cards are cut; and only one account has a balance to be paid. But, oh! what a balance! So my entire spending allowance is now going towards payments, along with a tidy sum from the household budget.
I've also had to cut out triple-venti-flavored-lattes ($5.09 each), netflix ($16.99 a month), my monthly donations to Feminist Majority ($10) and WXPN ($20), my stack of 5 gossip mags every week (about $15 a week), the stack of monthly magazines from Borders (approx. $50 a month), my couple or five books a month ($30-$75 a month), couple or six CDs a month ($25-$75 a month), various miscellaneous donations every month or so (anywhere from $10 to $75 a month--luckily, as a couple, we still budget for philanthropy every month, so we are not snubbing the needy altogether, just not going into debt for it as I have been stupidly doing), stacks of various perfumes, makeups, shoes, clothes and personal care products I honestly and truly DO NOT need (untold sums of money), massages occasionally (about $65-$80 every other month or every third month), magazine subscriptions ($?), meals out ($?), and lots and lots of wine ($?).
So yes, I need to get paid. And well. (Well, "well" in terms of someone with little or no skills and a not-so-hot work history.) Then I can pay off my debts and maintain a bit of my previous spendthrift ways.
Nate has been amazingly wonderful about my having created this mess and then hid it from him. At his suggestion--and I agreed--the new counsellor I've scheduled with specializes in generalized anxiety disorder and depression and also addiction problems, so I can figure out why I can't control myself when I have a little plastic card in my hand.
So now you all (all one or two of you who read this, and who already know this anyway) know my secret shame and the anxiety I'm causing myself with it until I have a real, live grown-up job.