Comment Gone Post

I just finished leaving a comment on a post by The Bloggess, and I thought that it actually might make a good post in, and of, itself. So here ya go:
I'm so out about my mental illness, people get sick of hearing about it. I do periodic posts about it, and my last was, as someone else had done, in regard to the shooter in Tuscon.
I've suffered from chronic major depression and chronic anxiety disorder for as long I remember, literally. I didn't get help until after my oldest son was born in 1994. They told me I had PPD. I didn't. I was just scared to keep going the way I had been since I now had a human being depending on me.
My worst episodes of depression have happened since I've had my children. The kind of episodes that are so black and so long that I seriously consider suicide, but I never act on it because I cannot do that to my children and I know how to get help now. Even though it is motherfucking, god-damned hard to get that help sometimes. Lack of insurance or time or fucked up policies when we did have insurance all were obstacles at times.
I've been on various drug regimens for almost 17 years, now. Currently I take an SNRI, an anxiolytic and a mood stabilizer. There is some disagreement between various of my doctors whether I have bipolar II or the chronic major depression *and* chronic anxiety combo platter, but they all agreed that either way, adding a mood stabilizer would help and it has.
And you wanna talk stigma? In February of 2008 and again in February 2010 I had a round of ECT. Five treatments each time. Feel free to check the tag "ECT" on my blog for an explanation of the process and dispelling popular myths about it. [Please read from the oldest post at the bottom to the latest at the top for continuity.] It has been a lifesaver for myself and my family.
I decided to do it after a very long depression did not improve. In fact, it got much worse and cycled up more panic attacks as well. I did a lot of research, chose to do the ECT, did it and was amazed that nobody ever mentioned it to me before. I felt wonderful and everyone kept telling how normal I was, which may have been a retroactive insult; I'm not sure...
The second round came after a steady two month decline back into the hole and I decided not to let it get nearly as bad as it had been the last time. I did it again and was glad, again.
Within weeks of the second round, I started one of the worst years (situationally) of my adult life. An old friend abruptly died; my best friend lost her father to cancer; I lost my grandfather (the man who was my father figure growing up) quite unexpectedly to multiple cancers that apparently had been eating him alive for some time; I put my dog to sleep after raising him from an eight-week-old rescue mutt to a 15-year-old family member alongside my sons while I was a stay-at-home mother; I was laid off from the study for which I had been working; I had flairs galore of my autoimmune illness; I've seen my children through some tough times this year; I had some female plumbing issues which I thought would leave me sterile; and I'm sure I'm missing some other things...
But you know what? I was able to survive it and come out with hope in my eyes because I started out from a point of virtual mental health. So ECT has saved my life twice, now. So I talk about it. A lot. It makes people uncomfortable, sometimes, but I think that's okay, because we need to chip away at all of the stigmas of mental illness and it's treatments.
I got this tattoo:to commemorate the ECT the first time. And when people ask me what it means, I tell them--even strangers--all about it.

Arizona

I'm still not ready to have a long discussion about the shootings in Arizona, but last night I wept for the all of the people affected by the tragedy in Arizona. All of them. Even the shooter. My belief (formed from the facts available so far) is that the shooter has severe mental illness. Everyone around him saw it. People were scared of what the illness had done to him. But nobody tried to help him. When one is that ill, it is almost impossible to get the needed help. Hell, it's almost impossible when one's mental illness isn't anywhere near that severe and the shooter was so ill that he didn't even know he was ill, so how was he supposed to do it without help?
This country treats mental illness as a weakness instead of an illness. Until we start recognizing it as an illness and stop stigmatizing those with the illness, we'll always have many people wandering the streets who are on the edge of this kind of breakdown. Had somebody reported their worries to a mental health hotline, impressed on his family the need to seek help, told the police that they believed he was a danger to himself or others, maybe 8 January would have been a normal day in Tuscon.
Here are some phone numbers for anyone who needs help or knows of someone who needs help.

Mental Health Hotline Numbers and Referral Resources

It's eight pages, so click through until you find what seems to be the most appropriate number.

My Behind is Behind

Yeah, so it's been a while. It's hard for me to feel like posting as my depression is getting worse and there seems to be too much to say to have the energy to explain. Plus, most of the people in my life already know all of this, but here goes: a recap of sorts.
I had sent an email to my rheumatologist regarding the neuropathy that was a paranoid rant about how "maybe I have sarcoidosis or MS??" My rheumy graciously responding without saying, "Hey nutso!! CHILL!" She explained the reasons why I probably don't have either, but we can run a few tests to prove it and she also suggested I should have had the Ph test for reflux that my immunologist had suggested. (They told me that the wheezing and coughing I've been having for a while was not asthma as far as the tests showed ad it may be reflux--even though I don't have the more common symptoms like heartburn or acid burps. I skipped it because the test required wearing a wire up my nose down into my esophagus for 24 hours, said wire being attached to a little computer I wear on my belt monitoring the Ph levels in my esophagus. Since I was convinced it is not reflux, I said "eewwww" and skipped it.) So I called to schedule that.
Then I got a phone call from my primary care doctor's office saying she received the email from my rheumy and wanted to bring me in to discuss some things we could explore. (They never called me for an appointment before, so this freaked me out a little.)
Meanwhile I had my gastroenterology appointment. The woman told me that we would not do the Ph test as first she wanted to schedule me for an upper GI endoscopy to check for esophogeal damage, ulcers and pre-cancerous lesions. WHAT?? Oooookay. So I scheduled that. Then when the nurse called to go over the procedure and my meds, etc., she said they would do a biopsy to check for eosinophilic esophagitis at the request of the doctor in addition to any they do if the see "something." Oooookay.
Anyway, whatever is causing the wheezing and dry cough is what is probably leaving me exhausted as it obviously interferes with the amount of oxygen I get while I sleep.
Still no idea why I have neuropathy. Probably will have to just live with it at this point. Sigh.
So all of this uncertainity is combining with the fact that it is fall heading into winter and that is always bad for my depression to leave me on a downward slide. My psychiatrist upped my Effexor XR; my PCP took me off of my trazodone and upped my clonazapem and took me off of two other meds (allergy stuff) to try to a) reduce the number of meds I'm taking and b) relieve some of the severe dryness in my eyes, mouth and --ahem!--Sister Suzy. (This is not--as proven by bloodwork--Sjogren's; just dryness from meds and a natural dryness I've always leaned towards. The mouth dryness is annoying because my teeth are starting to chip and break more easily and the eye dryness prevents me from ever wearing contacts. I use Celluvisc in my eyes and various forms of biotene and sugar-free gum to alleviate mouth dryness.)
So now we wait.

In other news, I'm not sure if I've mentioned that both of my boys, in recent months, have cut off their long, luxurious locks into "skater" cuts and my oldest died his black. It actually looks good on him, but the whole "cool teen/tween" thing they are going through makes me sad. I miss my little baby boys snuggling on my lap and laughing crazily at life. Now they are "emo" and perpeutally sarcastic--still funny and not at all depressed, just the projection of coolness and aloofness that makes me miss them even when they are right there in the room.

Holden made high honors and Ethan did well with his first quarter portfolio.

Nate is still working his butt off.

My BFF is ready to pop out a sweet baby boy any day/week now.

My brother-in-law's wife, ditto.

It's hard to be surrounded by baby love just as I'm missing it most.

I've started a few small indoor succulent gardens with various types of living rocks. All of my plants still seem to be doing alright, knock wood.

My book list over there -------> is suffering a bit. I've been reading a lot of magazines when I do read,; I forget to enter books and I haven't reviewed anything for a while. But anyway, at least I'm reading something, right?

And my job... Well, let's just say I'm looking forward to the end of this quarter. I need new sample. New areas to work.

And lastly, poor Ethan is home sick with what seems to be a cold. Voluntarily sleeping. Now that's sick. Poor sweetie.

I have a discharge...

...from the PHP--why? What did you think I meant? Today was my last day. Even though I've been told for months the outpatient program isn't taking new patients, my PHP psychiatrist and counsellor have agreed to have my care transferred to them. Sweet! (I think they liked me, lol. My counsellor asked me if I would sign a release form and basically repeat a session for a recorder so he could type out the transcript and allow him to use it for a seminar he is leading next month. And my counsellor and psychiatrist both told me many, many times how intelligent I was and how well I was doing in the program. This never really happened to me before in treatment. Maybe a stray mention of my intelligence, but that was about it. It pleased my inner apple polisher.)
I've gotten quite a bit done today as well, AND have a job interview next Thursday for a field researcher position for the CDC. It's a one year contract job and good money, so wish me luck. I also heard from an SEIU employee yesterday who may be interested in interviewing me for an administrative assistant position, but she hasn't returned my return phone call yet.
The kids have off of school tomorrow as the teachers will be attending the PAGE conference, so I'll have a day to relax and spend time with my family. And sleep in. YAY!

My word in edgewise. Hell, my word full-frontal!!

GROUP SUCKS DIRTY, SMELLY MONKEY BALLS!
I cannot stand listening to people whine about how horrible their life is when they are clearly unwilling to change it at at all. I am sick of listening to people describing a breakup (not even of a marriage) of ten years ago as what is causing them to be "depressed" today. I am totally over the concept of "I can't find a mate" as some sort of synonym for "depressed." You wanna know depressed? I'll show you depressed, then I'll turn it sideways and shove it up your lazy, whiny ass. I am exhausted with trying to give my opinion or insight (as we are supposed to) only to be cut off by yet another manic bipolar person. I am exhausted, period, from listening to the manics in the crowd.
In other news, I like my counsellor and psychiatrists quite well, thank you. I even heard a phrase I never remembered hearing from a counsellor of mine before which had an impact on me. I need to validate all of the "invalidated emotions" from my childhood and young adulthood. Now, it is such an elementary phrase and concept, but it was honestly not familiar to me. Maybe it is one of the things I "lost in the fire." (Hmmmm... This is my terminology for the memories I lost in ECT, but it just struck me that I have never used it in this forum before.)
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was described to me YET AGAIN in one "educational seminar" today. I get it! I get it! But the last step has had me stuck for about fifteen years now. HELP ME WITH THAT!!! AAAAARGH!
I forgot to wash my travel mug so I had to throw out my paper SBUX cup which made me feel guilty. Yes, I have gotten to the point where I feel guilty over one paper coffee cup and sleeve. I didn't have time to pack my lunch for some reason (which was a nice rounded healthy meal) so I ate at KFC and felt guilty about the factory farmed chickens and the paper I was wasting and the crap I was putting into my body and the underpaid workers and...and... Yes, somebody please stop me. This is not right. I think I am getting, goddess forgive me for even thinking it, too eco-concious. But then Nate mailed me this article, and I realized, "Maybe somebody should "worry about the birds." Maybe 'too' isn't so bad when some people are 'not enough.'" I just wish I wasn't so quick to judge myself for little "misses" when I have so many "hits." (Oh, but if I could figure out that last step of cognitive behavioral therapy, I'd be able to forgive and forget the "misses," right?)
I got abso-fucking-lutely NO errands done today, although I still have to take my youngest to his soccer practice at 6:30. So...library and Humane Society tomorrow maybe?

T-I-R-E-D

I told you: "sharing with the group" makes me tired. Plus the two times I had to repeat my life story for my resident psychiatrist and then the attending psychiatrist. And I didn't even SEE the counsellor today, so I' ll repeat it a third time tomorrow.
Well, I didn't like group. Surprise, surprise. Besides the fact that I have to listen to strangers' problems when I already have my own with which I don't know how to deal, I also have to tell a whole roomful of strangers my life story. So I held back a bit today, but I had good feedback that what I did say was said well and was a good start.
Then there's the little annoyances of being in a roomful of people and having to be paying attention to one person. The various weird noises and habits of people who are supposed to be paying attention but are sucking candy loudly or breathing oddly or whatever. As those who know me know, I have "issues" with distracting noises or movements. Chewing loudly, sucking your teeth or candy, chewing or cracking gum loudly (all of what I call "mouth noises), "rutching" around a lot, bouncing your foot, feet or legs, cracking your knuckles, etc., etc. These all earn my evil glare and, sometimes, if I love you enough (lucky you) a stern and bitchy, "Stop that!!" funny thing, though: I do a lot of these things myself and find it perfectly acceptable for ME to do so. So...um..suck it, I guess, lol.
Seriously though, I am exhausted and want to nap, but we leave for soccer practice soon. On the plus side, I am almost done with "The Audacity of Hope" book on CD (pirated from the library to my MP3 player), so there's that to look forward to while waiting for practice to be over, I guess.
As far as errands: I got my recycling all dropped off and picked up my prescriptions, but will have to go to the library tomorrow. (I always think it's okay to return stuff a day or two or six late anyway, as they need all the money they can get, right?) Also on the afternoon errand list: finally dropping off the leftover meds at the Humane Society and getting Zeke's (now 3½ months overdue) dog license. (Bad, bad, dog owner!!)
419 email tally for the day: 14!!! (That might be an all time high for me.)
Hopefully I make it through the rest of the night and the whole day tomorrow. But, so far, I haven't really gotten anything from the program. I'm sure it's just because I've only just dipped my toe in the pool today. But now the introductions are (almost) done, and I demand results, damn it!! ;-)
OH! P.S. I met a lady today with an SEIU for Obama button who actually works for SEIU and gave me her card and told me to send a resume. ("They're ALWAYS hiring!") I also know one of their "big guns" down there, so I sent it off already, but I am not expecting much. Their hours, though, are Brutal, and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, either.

Spitzer spritzed her which is an old sin, not a brand new one.

First of all, I think the picture with this article looks like a scary eff-ed up version of the new Hermès ads. (Their cute little beanies look pink and orange in that picture.) Second, I can't figure out if I'm committing new sins or not. What do they mean by "certain violations of the fundamental rights of human nature through experiments, genetic manipulations[?]" What do "drugs" include since they say drugs "weaken the mind and obscure intelligence[?]" Since I gotta tell ya, my Klonopin probably weakens my mind and obscures my intelligence a bit. But I need to take it (as prescribed by my doctor) so my head doesn't explode with anxiety. Knowingly allowing my head to explode would be suicide, right? And isn't that a sin, too? Happily I pollute very little, so that's one sin I don't have to worry too much about. But wait, does anybody not pollute at all?? So we're all sinners? Suuuuuucks... Good thing I don't believe in Catholics. Really, I don't. I think Catholics are one big figment of my bizarre imagination. That's why I enjoy their costumes, jewelry and ritual paraphernalia so much.
I saw my psychiatrist (furthermore to be referred to as PNO) today, and he said how great I seemed to be doing in many ways. We spoke of my trying to find a job and he asked what my degree was in and he expressed surprise (once again, because we had been through this before) that I do not have a degree yet. And then he encouraged the law school plan everyone seems to have for me. He said I seemed like a "do-gooder" and that he meant that in a good way and a law degree would probably be ideal for my being able to do my own kind of good. (Which according to these people enhances my whiteness even further. BTW, folks, I am apparently the whitest person you have ever met. I tallied it up and 85% of that list, so far, applies to my pasty white bourgeois ass. The photo illustrations could even be from my photo collection.)
I got a lot done today, took a little walk and even had a big salad for lunch so I'm feeling quite self-satisfied right now.
I think I'll read my newly arrived Vanity Fair magazine--the cover has me all excited and the kids are keeping themselves busy with homework (Holden) and playing keyboard (Ethan), so I have a bit of free time right now.
Oh, wait! Have you seen this yet?

So things progress as such:

I ended up doing five ECT treatments. Two inpatient and three out. My psychiatrist--Dr. Tan--was a great man. Funny, warm, respectful. Everything you could want from the dude about to put you into a minute-long seizure. He actually seemed to like me and let me go home on the Friday after I checked in, rather than the next Monday as originally planned. Which was just what I had hoped for, as nothing freaks me out more than being locked in somewhere, especially with a bunch of nut jobs!

So here is how the treatment goes:

1. You don't eat or drink after midnight the night before.
2. You pee when you wake up.
3. You have an i.v. put in--easy for some, tough for those with no veins, like me.
4. You put on a hospital gown and booties and no undies. Yes, you may piss yourself.
5. They wheel you into the o.r.
6. The put the oxygen monitor on your finger, the b.p. cuff on your arm and another b.p. cuff on your ankle. (This cuff will be tightened during the whole procedure to prevent the paralyzing anesthetic from reaching your toes so they will twitch to prove to the docs that you are, indeed, convulsing.)
7. The put electrical leads (EEG?? I think...) on various parts of your body to make sure your heart works well during the whole thing.
8. They put the "zapper" electrical leads on your head. I vaguely recall that these went on your forehead and behind your ear. On this I could be mistaken; my memory is hazy on some things... I do know I ended up going with bilateral ECT rather than unilateral after a thorough discussion with Dr. Tan whose opinion I thoroughly respected and trusted. We talked about "titrated" doses, which I said was the only way I would do bilateral, and he understood.
9. They put the oxygen/sleeping gas mask over your face and inject the paralyzing anesthetic into your i.v. The gas smelled annoying to me and the injection burned me somewhat. I think I fell asleep all five times going, "Oh, it burns, it burns.... it.... buuuuurrrrrr...... uuuuuhhhhhhhh......."
10. Presumably I was then paralyzed and "zapped." The convulsion lasts somewhere around a half a minute or so. I think it's 15-60 seconds.
11. I wake up in the recovery room with very sweet nurses monitoring my vitals. For some reason I displayed a fever after every treatment, which is not a normal aftereffect. My guess is that it has something to do with my inflammatory illness.
12. They let me get dressed and go home.
13. I was not allowed to drive on treatment days.

So did it work?

Well, I feel what I can only keep calling "normal." I am still having some depression and some anxiety. But I feel like these are acceptable and manageable levels of these problems and somewhat situational.

"Normal" for me: The other day I awoke before 9 a.m. (rather than 3 p.m.), took a shower, exfoliated, moisturized, did a full face cleaning routine, did my hair, got dressed in "real" clothes (not sweats or PJ's), put on jewelry (!!!) and lipstick (!!!!) and went out to do about a half a dozen errands. The whole time I kept thinking, "This is weird. This is really weird." But I later realized that, no, it was actually really really normal. Which, for me, was weird.

I have been have some cognitive and memory problems, but they are fading steadily, although they still bother me immensely. More, I am quite sure, than they might bother the average person. If you know me, then you know that my high intelligence and scarily impeccable memory are very important traits of which I am proud and which I depend upon.

The cognitive problems are things like not being able to think of a word or phrase, not being able to think of what the next thing I should do would be while following my daily routine--which I guess are actually memory problems as well. My other memory problems are more straightforward: I don't remember some stuff that happened in the weeks and months leading up to ECT and in the period afterwards. When--if--it comes back to me I become very frustrated in the realization that I forgot it to begin with.

I think I'll end here for now. More will follow as I know many of my friends and family want to know more about the whole shebang.

"About suffering they were never wrong, The Old Masters: how well they understood Its human position; how well it takes place While someone else is eating or opening a window or just walking dully along;"

Off to see the wizard...

They just called and I have to go right away, so no pithy comments.

Wish me luck...

Going in Monday

Well, PNT’s office called me back yesterday morning. I will be admitted Monday afternoon unless a lot of emergency loonies enter the bin this weekend…more emergent or loony than me, anyway, lol.
The girl I’ve been dealing with is really nice and helpful. She called my insurance and they approved it and told her I need to have a physical within 48 hours of admittance, so I scheduled for 10:30 a.m. with PNT. But then she called back yesterday afternoon and said when she called them to confirm the appointment they told her it’s not necessary after all. She just needs to call on the day of admittance for final approval numbers. She said she will call me on Monday to let me know what time to “check in.” Like it’s a resort or something.
I am rather nervous now. The minute I got off of the phone I called my mother, and then I had to get off of the phone with her so I could throw up, because my stomach was so nervous. I’ve compared it now to when you are waiting for your baby to be born and you’re like, “I can’t wait for the baby; I can’t wait for the baby.” And then the baby is born and you’re like, “Oh my goddess, I have a baby. What the hell do I do now??!!??”
They do treatments Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings very early, so my first treatment will be Wednesday morning. The other day and a half will be for taking me off of my meds that would interfere with the treatments. Only a day and a half?? It took me a few months to get up to standard dosage on the Lamictal (which is a mood stabilizer in addition to an anti-convulsant for epilepsy—hence my having to come off of it: it would keep the convulsion from happening) and the Klonopin has been helping so much that this worries me to just go off of them. Plus how long will they take to put me back on them? The Lamictal sometimes causes Stevens-Johnson syndrome if you up the dose too fast… the Klonopin only takes a three or four days to get steady in your bloodstream.
I’ve been going over my packing list for the hospital and putting stuff in Ziplocs for organization along with lists so I know what I took with me. I’m taking three men’s Hanes sweat suits and the yoga-y type clothes I’ll wear into the hospital, two pairs of men’s style flannel pajamas, lots of clean underwear, and a bunch of the longer style of “body shapers” (the stretchy tanks with spaghetti straps and a "shelf bra” from New York and Company.) No Bras, no jeans. I’m going for totally schlumpy comfort in the hospital. I would just sleep in my sweats even, but I remember from my other stay in '99 that the hospital makes you get dressed for breakfast, so if I slept in sweats, they’d make me change.
Anyway, I have to go run some errands now…My rheumatologist’s nurse hates me so she still hasn’t called in my NSAID (currently Voltaren) prescription yet. (I’m not being paranoid, she genuinely does not like me due to my snubbing my original rheumy who I believe she was sleeping with, but he was a horrible and ignorant man.) But I have to pick up some of my other meds and a few things for the family for before I leave for a week. I don’t want Nate to have to run errands in addition to run the house while I’m gone. There is extra of everything in the house, now. Well, once I pick up dental floss threaders for the boys, there will be. (Holden finally got his upper braces; he’s been wearing a “pendulum—or expander—up there until now. So now they both need floss threaders. Those suckers are expensive—especially when you have two kids using two a day…)

Thursday already??

How I am feeling today:

Black Eyed Dog by Nick Drake
A black eyed dog he called at my door
The black eyed dog he called for more
A black eyed dog he knew my name
A black eyed dog he knew my name
A black eyed dog
A black eyed dog.
I'm growing old and I wanna go home
I'm growiing old and I don't wanna know
I'm growing old and I wanna go home.
A black eyed dog he called at my door
A black eyed dog he called for more.


Still no word from PNTs office. He had said we could start as early as this week, but that is obviously out of the question. Next week would be great, but considering it is Thursday, it looks unlikely to be the beginning of the week, if at all. The whole thing of having to pass it through my insurance and taking me off of my mood stabilizer--Lamictal, which is also an anti-convulsant--seems like it would probably take a week by itself. I'll also have to change my Klonopin for a shorter acting antianxiolytic for some reason. I hope I can go back on both and not some new meds after the treatments, because these two are definitely working well for my mixed states and anxiety. Just need an antidepressant that works after the treatments... Hope we figure it out someday.

The boys are spending the night at a friend's house tomorrow night and Nate wanted to know if I wanted to go out, but honestly, I don't know if I can drag myself to take a shower and wash my hair and then go do something after that. It tires me to do it and it even tires me to think of it.

I ordered these from Amazon last night:

• Take You High by Willis (CD)
• Parklife by Blur (CD)
• Juno Soundtrack (CD)
• Made of Bricks by Kate Nash (CD)
• Loaded by Velvet Underground (CD)
• Falling Out Fashion by Karen Yampolsky (dumb "chick lit" book about behind the scenes at the now-defunct fluffy feminist mag I loved: Jane; I couldn't find it at the library)
• Lipstick and Thongs in the Loony Bin by Courtney A. Wash (a memoir I plan on reading ironically in the "loony bin")

And I'm reading this popular fiction work now:

• We Are All Welcome Here by Elizabeth Berg

So far it's all right for popular fiction. A little light reading after all of the ECT reading and true crime sadness.

Today's "news"

The latest on PNO and PNT: I called PNT’s office to confirm they received the records which PNO called to let me know he faxed. (He faxed them before leaving for a NYC medical conference for two weeks and then checked when he came home, only to see that the transmission of the fax went awry, so he re-faxed them for me.) PNT’s office said, “No, we didn’t get them, still waiting.” ARGH! I called PNO’s voicemail in tears (because the waiting is killing me) to ask that he re-re-send them. Then I get a phone call from the medical records office at PNT: Whoops! We got them and PNT already has them. SO sorry! So I had to call PNO’s voicemail back and say: Whoops! Never mind my last, barely comprehensible message. They did get them. So now I’m waiting for PNT to make a final decision and call me back.

Some new books on my wishlist (a mess of compulsive collecting and other neuroses):

• A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man
• These board books by Lisa Brown—I cannot wait ‘til a certain friend has a baby to buy them for
• These board books by Michelle Sinclair Coleman
• These board books by Amy Wilson Sanger
• Any of these “reference” books for kids
• Any of the Pirates books by Gideon Defoe

Yes, these are mostly kids’ books, but I like to collect kids’ books which I find interesting. I especially like books illustrated by Lisbeth Zwerger.

And finally, for today, last night I finished Never Enough by Joe McGinniss. Good true crime about a crazy, hubby murdering rich, white lady in Hong Kong. I give it a B or B+ for the genre.

I’m still waiting for PNO to send my records to PNTs (psychiatrist number two) office. I don’t know if he already sent them and PNTs office lost them or if he still hasn’t sent them. Despite repeated messages to PNO, he still has not called me back. Nothing can happen until he does this. I’m in limbo.

Even though my reading is not up to par, I am still reading. These are the books I’ve read since sometime after Christmas:

• Foreskin’s Lament by Shalom Auslander
• Identical Strangers by Elyse Schein and Paula Bernstein
• House of Happy Endings by Leslies Garis
• Away by Amy Bloom
• Best New American Voices 2008 ed. By Richard Bausch
• Missing Angel Juan by Francesca Lia Block
• Necklace of Kisses by Francesca Lia Block
• Ben in the World by Doris Lessing
• Electroboy by Andy Behrman
• Undercurrents by Martha Manning
• Shock by Kitty Dukakis and Larry Tye
• The Road by Cormac McCarthy

If you enjoy(ed) Foreskin’s Lament, then I also suggest these books:

• Beware of God (Stories) by Shalom Auslander
• The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible by A.J. Jacobs

I collect quotes in my Molekine notebook; below are some from the past month or so. (I like the squared, rather than ruled notebooks--I even use one for my actual journal--and also carry a small notebooks for "notes" in addition to my red weekly calendar/notebook.)

From the movie Harvey:

• Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
• Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
• The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought 'em out here to get that stuff, and I've drove 'em home after they had it. It changes them... On the way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me; sometimes we stop and watch the sunsets, and look at the birds flyin'. Sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunsets when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, oh oh...
  Veta Louise Simmons: "Afterwards, oh oh"? What do you mean, "afterwards, oh oh"?
  The Taxi Driver: They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersections. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. and we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being. And you know what stinkers they are!

From the book Neckalce of Kisses:

• "Just like any woman...We weave our stories out of our bodies. Some of us through our children, or our art; some do it just by living. It's all the same."--Lacey
• Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes they catch you.

From the book The Road:

• Where you've nothing else construct ceremonies out of the air and breathe upon them.

Nine months later...

Nine months later...
No I didn't have a baby, I'm just horrible at journal keeping of any sort.
So much has happened, and yet not much of anything. I'm still not working. I'm now not seeing my friends much or leaving my house much. I've considered filing for disability but cannot bring myself to actually do it.
Now I'm considering ECT.
I had a second opinion doctor visit today with a well-respected EC doctor this morning. He says I'm a good candidate, but my original psychiatrist hasn't sent my records yet, even though he has had a month and various reminders to do so. So he's hlding me back. After this is over I will probably just switch to this new psychiatris, who I had seen years ago for a few med checks. He's more organized and he is in my insurance network, so I don't have to self-submit my receipts if I see him.

Some things about ECT you may not know:

1. They give you muscle relaxants, general anesthesia and oxygen to prevent the bone-breaking and painfully awake seizures depicted in inaccurate movies and reduce memory loss .
2. non-dominant unilateral ECT is now the norm as opposed to even 10 years ago when bilateral was still prevalent; this kind reduces much of the memory loss and personality changing of yore.
3. Only 1/3-1/2 the amount of electricity is used in ECT as in a heart defibrillator.
4. Only about 1/10 the amount of electricity is used now versus '40s-'70s version.
5. ECT is as common as hysterectomy and twice as common as knee replacement.
6. It is often the best depression treatment available to the elderly who cannot tolerate, take or respond to drugs and also has the highest success rate in the elderly.
7. It is 80% effective in people with treatment resistant depression versus the 50-60% efficacy of medication for depression for the whole population of people with depression.
8. It's the safest treatment for pregnant women w/depression.
9. It has almost no physical side affects other than some soreness and stiffness the day of the treatment and maybe some nausea for a few hours afterwards if you have that reaction to general anesthesia--unlike every psych medication.
10. Interestingly, most of the anti-ECT organizations are entirely funded by the "Church of Scientology" who also don't believe in psychiatric treatment of any kind.
11. The "ECT industry" makes a profit of about $100,000 a year versus the $35 billion the pharmaceutical companies make and doesn't romance doctor's with pens, meals, gifts and trips to get them to sell their product.
12. ECT begins to have an effect with the first treatment as opposed the months you can spend trialing one failed drug only to move onto the next.
13. The waveform of the current, amount of electricity and duration are adjusted to each individual according to a complicated formula so it is totally personalized to your body and geared to the least amount of memory problems.
14. Most short term memory problems clear up within about 6 weeks; long term memory problems are extremely rare.

These things are all reassuring to me as are the vibrant, intelligent and sane people whose books and articles I have read who went through ECT. I have been depressed since I was a child, have never gained more than just a tenuous foothold on it with medication and for the past 2 1/2 years I haven't even had that. I'm convinced this will save my life. I'm willing to trade the ability to remember my husband's bosses name or directions to the Dairy Queen for the possibility of enjoying my life for once in my life. I'm willing to trade even slightly more important memories for happiness or some semblance of it, as I already have for depression anyway. Depression has stripped away a lot of my long term memories, my short term memory abilities and my concentration skills---and the concentration skills I'll most likely get back fully if ECT works for me. Reading a book is so difficult for me the past few years, whereas I used to rip through up to 8 books a week before. I've been stripped of even that pleasure. I hate to admit this, but I haven't wanted or had sex in longer than I can remember--maybe 2 years? I want to want my husband again--even twice a year (his birthday and our anniversary,lol) would make me so happy. Even if I wanted to have sex right now, meds have reduced my lubrication and made me anorgasmic.

So now we wait for psychiatrist number one (PNO) to get his act together...

Got a call back...

The called today to tell me that I passed the first two screenings fo rthe job I want, and I have an interview on Tuesday. Yay! It's a taste testing job with a big food company in the area. It's three dollars more than I was making at the old job, twenty set daytime hours a week and no weekends. Yay! I'm sure I'll do okay with the interview. Did I mention: YAY!

I have to pick up refills at Rite Aid, hopefully my shrink called the one in finally.

I also have two books on hold and a bunch of overdues to return to the library.

Right now I'm finishing

Good book, makes me laugh and angry.

More later.