Monday, April 07, 2008

And then to bed.

I still haven't figured out how lunch works tomorrow. A stupid little thing which has been nagging at me. Strange since there is so much else to be worried about. For example how much one on one counselling I will get and how much group is involved. Or what group will be like. Or what "activities" means exactly. And how tired I will be after a full day of baring my soul to strangers. Telling the same stories yet again. I am bored with the stories. I just want to know how to deal with this crap in my life, but I don't really want to have to tell the stories AGAIN.
I have library books overdue and library books to pick up and recycling to drop off and prescriptions to pick up and soccer practice yet again tomorrow night. And the prospect of doing these on what is sure to be little sleep and a full day of counselling does not make me chipper at all.
I sincerely hope this program helps to get me somewhere. I fear the depression will soon be creeping back if not. And that fear is dangerous to the cycle of depression. I got "healthy" and now I need to actually get healthy with that energy I regained. The window will soon close and I'll have to start all over again. I know, I know, negative Nelly. This kind of thinking is what does me in every time.
Okay, how about:
I WILL get healthy.
Did it sound convincing?


Historical Wit said...

How about "I AM healthy and I will improve myself a little everyday."

Anonymous said...

I hope today went well.
You are doing everything you need to do to get and stay healthy. Maybe some of the information and counseling you get in this program will help you train your mind to stay away from the negative.
It's not so much the same stories over and of these times (maybe even in group) someone will say something that just clicks and you'll be able to let the stuff go. The past is the past.
You know that I have had alot to deal with (and I'm sure that I'm part of what you have to deal with...I had times where I stunk as a Mom) but I finally got to the point where I just approach most things with humor and let the past go.
You will be well!

Vicki said...

Amen to what your mom said.

What you need, Dearie, is a punk rock mantra to blast the negative thoughts out of your head when they creep in. Something along the lines of "F*&k You, you bleedin' fascist!!!!" And then flip the negative thoughts the double bird--literally or just in your head. I find that more satisfying than your average positive affirmation.

You could even assign a persona to your negative thoughts--someone you really hate, like Dick Cheney. It might be easier to banish negative thoughts when you pretend they're the result of a government conspiracy to undermine political dissent.

Seriously, who's more depressed than us Liberals? There might be something to that, actually...I'll have to google "depression, republicans, psychological warfare" and see what comes up.

Best of luck with the process. I hope it's helpful. Ethan and I both remarked on how much of an improvement in your mood the ECT has made. I hope this treatment plan helps you maintain and improve on it.


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